Ch. 32 Vacations and Relationships

Sweating and shirtless, Triston and Josh sat next to each other in the shade of a park tree, their shorts hung loose from their thighs as they drank bottled water.  There was the sound of birds, a jet passing overhead, and traffic on the road nearby.

“Thanks for jogging with me,” Josh said.

“Hey, no problem, it’s just I haven’t been out in a while.”

“You’re still in good shape,” Josh said.

Triston let out a laugh and wiped sweat from his forehead.

“Thanks I guess, it’s more about diet than exercise for me.”

“It would be easy to get some muscle tone,” Josh said.

“Settle yourself down, I just went jogging.”

“Okay, okay,” Josh said.

They both heard someone else running along the path and looked to the source.  They were disappointed to see a young woman headed their way.  She passed by them and they looked to each other.

“Don’t you wish that did it for you?” Josh asked.

“Not one second,” Triston said.  “Do you?”

“I don’t know.  I used to think about it.  It’s just so much easier.”

Triston raised an eyebrow at his friend but didn’t say anything and decided to change the subject. 

“How are things going?”

“Fine I guess,” Josh said.  “I stopped talking to my ex.  It just kind of got uncomfortable.”

“What about Spencer?  How are things at the apartment?”

“Good, it’s okay.  We don’t talk much.  It’s not weird or anything.  He kind of keeps his distance.  It’s like we barely know each other.  He’s a very private person.  I’m thankful for being there and not having to pay him much in rent.  I don’t know what I would do if things were different.  He goes out with Chad a lot.  I think he’s got a crush on a straight guy.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Triston said.

“I hooked up with this guy the other day.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I decided to use an old dating account of mine.  He was nice but very closeted, probably some politician or wants to be one.”

“Around this city it’s all politics,” Triston said.

“What about you and Vincent?”

“He wants to go on a vacation to Las Vegas,” Triston said.  “I was thinking something more Tropical but he says there are really good deals.  I think we’re going to go next month.”

“That’s pretty serious for not being together very long.”

Triston shrugged his shoulders.  It was true and yet he felt because of their age, because of their experience, more importantly because of what they knew they wanted out of the relationship it wasn’t such a milestone.

“We’ll see what happens.”

“Are you guys that serious?”

Triston looked off into the trees and thought about Vincent and their relationship.  They had a bond unlike any other.  It was like an electrical force between them.  He could feel it just by being in the same room.

“I really like him,” Triston said.

“I’m not sure if I want to be in a relationship.  I mean there are benefits to it but it just seems so complicated.  Although it’s been nice living with someone even if we’re not getting along.  It’s like he’s there.  There’s someone else in the apartment.  There’s someone to talk to and watch television with but you don’t have to always be there for him.”

Triston was bothered by what he heard.  He wanted Josh and Spencer to get into a relationship.  He thought they would be good for each other, but maybe roommates was the best to hope for. 

They heard another jogger on the track but this time it was a young man.  He was shirtless and muscled, a necklace bounced around his neck.  They both looked to him and as he passed he looked over to them.  Josh got to his feet and began to stretch with his back to the runner.

“Is he too far gone yet?”

“No, he’s taking his time.  He just came to a stop.”

“I’m going to see if he’s interested, maybe he needs a shower buddy to wash his back,” Josh said.

Triston watched his friend turn and jog away.  He’d give Josh a few minutes to test the waters before he followed up behind him. 

Ch 31 Straight Advice

Horsepower doesn’t mean anything when stuck in traffic, Spencer thought as he looked at the lights of the car ahead of him.  Chad was beside him in the passenger seat.

“Thanks for coming along to try out my new car,” Spencer said.  “Sorry there’s so much traffic.”

“You didn’t make it,” Chad said.

“I know.  It’s just frustrating.”

“It’d be nice to take it out West though and really get a chance to drive, or maybe down Florida where that highway is like 80 mph.”

“In my dreams, around here I’d be lucky to do anything more than 60 mph with all of the traffic cameras and cops.  How’s the job working out for you?” Spencer asked.

“It’s actually kind of fun,” Chad said.

“Really?”

“Yeah, there’s actually a few straight guys who work there but everyone is nice.  I’m actually going to some lake with a few of the guys next weekend.”

“Really,” Spencer said.

“Yeah, they invited me along.  There’s going to be a cookout.  Would you want to go with me?  They said I could invite someone.”

“Don’t you think that would be a little, I don’t know, confusing for them.”

“They all know I’m straight.  Although there was that one time, but it was just a little bit of tongue.”


“Now you’re just messing with me.”

“Of course I am.  Yes, they all know I’m straight but we get along.  It’s kind of like being in college or something.  Some of the guys can be a little dramatic but there’s no bullshit, you know.  I mean on the force it was like all this macho crap.  I mean some of those guys I wouldn’t want around my daughter and they have kids of their own but the guys at the bar are nice.”

Spencer let off the brake and drifted for a bit before stopping the car again.

“And there’s someone you should meet.”

“Is he one of those drama people?”

“No, not really, he’s kind of low key.  He works the bar.  I think he’s kind of shy.  It’s rare that he takes his shirt off.  He’s got a nice body though.”

“Checking out your workmates?  Something I should know?”

“What?  I’m allowed to evaluate.  He’s handsome, blonde hair and blue eyes.”

“Is he crazy?  Because my last boyfriend was crazy.  He threatened to post our sex tape on the internet, luckily he backed off.  I think he was worried about his grandmother finding out.”

“Sex tape?”

“Don’t ask,” Spencer said.

“I have to ask.  Why would you?”

“It was an impulsive thing, supposed to stay private.”

“Did you ever watch it?”

“You know, actually, we didn’t.  It always felt more like some secret thing.”

“How about it?  I’d introduce the two of you.”

“What?  The guy, I guess, I mean nothing is happening in my love life,” Spencer said.

“Did you talk to your roommate?”

“Josh?  I haven’t yet.  It’s kind of, I don’t know, fizzled.  Sometimes Triston tells me what’s going on with him, said he’s not going back to his ex any time soon but that’s it.”

“You should do it,” Chad said.

“I don’t know.  I mean it’s weird but it actually seems more difficult than coming out.  It kind of feels the same.  I mean it’s like this secret that if I say it I leave myself vulnerable to him.  I don’t like that feeling.”

“How did you feel after you came out?”

Spencer looked to him.  Coming out had been relatively easy given all of the horror stories he had heard.  He told his parents one evening and they just kind of accepted it.  No, not accepted, but they didn’t fight it.  There was no yelling, just silence, and they didn’t really talk about it again, not in any real way.  He felt silly for having thought it would be some drastic, life changing event.  And yet, really, he did feel different, because he decided he didn’t need their approval.

“I felt lighter,” Spencer said.

“See, it wasn’t easy.  How did feel before?”

“Like I wanted to sink into the ground.”

“I’m not saying you’re going to be best friends, or boyfriends, but you owe him a real apology.  You need to tell him where you were coming from, and you need to stop thinking of him as a sex object.”

Spencer blushed at the last sentence.  He gripped the wheel tighter.  He was getting advice from his straight friend about another guy.  He let out a small laugh and shook his head.  Times really have changed, he thought.

“What is it?” Chad asked.

“I just never thought I’d be sitting here listening to a straight man give me advice about dating another guy, much less inviting me to some cookout to meet someone.”

“Just don’t try and kiss me.  I’m married.  It’s a monogamous relationship,” Chad said.

Spencer looked to him, his eyes went wide but Chad only smiled back.

MIA - Blog Post

Sorry, I got distracted by editing my book and other life things and haven't had a chance to write for this week's blog post. Editing will be done soon, just on Chapter 40 today, the last chapter, and then back to regular things. Ugh, so many apologies.

Ch 30 - The Agony

The ticking of the clock was like a torture device that reminded Darrell of his idleness and each passing moment that he wasn’t doing something as he sat in the recliner watching television.  It was enough to make him want a tall glass of beer, maybe a few shots of whiskey because that’s how he used to pass the time.  That was his former coping mechanism for everything he didn’t want to feel.

It used to be work hard Monday through Friday, start drinking Friday night, recover on Sunday by nursing his poison and then be ready for work on Monday where he’d really dry out in the first meeting of the week.  He would regain his faculties, his brain would be stimulated by all of the problems and all of the solutions.  Then Wednesday became like Friday and he was constantly trying to recover, no manage, from the poison he drank.

He stabbed his thumbnail into the tip of his middle finger to try and bring himself back to the present as he sat there.  Walter was a few feet away quietly eating a bowl of cereal.  He felt like a burden to all of them.  He felt like his father had been to his mother and to himself when he was young.  He thought about how his father was a drunk.  He thought about how he didn’t want the man to know he was gay.  And he thought about his neighbor who had taken advantage of him when he was a boy and how that could be the blame for everything. 

His father would come home late and drunk.  His inebriation made him like a wounded animal in need of shelter and his mother, the faithful and dependable wife, would tend to him, care for him.  That went on for years with varying degrees of intensity and need, even after he was off to college. 

That was when he found himself, or at least could be himself.  So many trysts in dark rooms, making himself vulnerable to men who used him for his body and what he represented to them, another conquered man.  No one wanted to have a relationship, it was too dangerous.  At least the sex could be forgotten, denied, but a relationship, that was something else, something people would find out, something his mother would find out. 

For a moment he thought it would be easier when his father died.  He came out to his mother, sat her down on a Saturday of his weekend visit home and he told her.  She nodded and smiled, then said she didn’t blame him and it wasn’t his fault.

The neighbor, he thought, it was the neighbor who she thinks did this to me.  A boy not much older than himself who used to be the terror of the neighborhood.  Everyone seemed to have a story about catching him doing something wrong, everyone except Darrell.  Well, that’s not true, because there was that one thing, well those things.  His mother had almost caught them several times.

The worst was when his friend forgot a pair of underwear at his place, in his room.  His mother knew at once the underwear wasn’t Darrell’s.  She asked him about it and he told her that it was because they gotten muddy and that he was borrowing a set of clothes.  She didn’t seem to believe him.  She was suspicious.

But all of that was years ago and yet it felt real, like it had stuck to him.  He had told himself many times that there was some way to explain, some perfect argument, a rationale that would make his mother believe and yet he could never bring himself to say anything.  Somehow, each time, just before she would prove her willing ignorance to him.  She would say something that took the wind out of his lungs.

He moved the thumbnail to his index finger and worked another familiar groove.  It was enough to bring him back to the present and yet he felt it.  He felt that anger and sorrow right there in his throat,  He had been on edge since the accident.  It was the little, sentimental things that seemed to do it, something in a movie or some comment, even commercials.

“Walter,” he said.  “Would you give me a minute?”

“What?”

“Please, I’m not feeling well.  I need a moment.”

Walter looked him in the eye.

“Are you okay?  Do you need me to get something?”

“Would you go to the store and buy me a beer?” Darrell asked.

Walter let out a nervous laugh.

“You don’t drink,” he said.

“Please, something, anything, just go out.”

“I’ll get you some ice cream,” Walter replied.

“That’s fine,” he said.

Walter got to his feet, scratched at his chest, but continued to stare at Darrell.  The sight of him dressed in a small, comic t-shirt that rode up easily, skinny jeans that looked like a second skin, and his simple, ordinary shoes with thin bottoms reminded Darrell of Walter’s unguarded personality, his youthful curiosity, and his endurance for ridicule.  It was enough to make him cry.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Walter said as he approached him.

“No, please, leave me,” Darrell said.

Walter moved closer, touched his shoulder.

“I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“It’s too late.  You just have to let it out.  You’ll feel better.”

“No,” Darrell said with a shake of his head.

“Yes, you have to let it out.  You have to scream about it.  Even if no one listens and no one knows, you can’t hold it inside of you.”

That sent Darrell over the edge as his silent tears became vicious sobs and grunts of agony.  Walter moved closer, sat beside him on the recliner’s large armrest and placed his arm down around Darrell’s shoulders.  He rubbed Darrell’s shoulder and took a deep breath.

Ch. 29 Prospects

Going to a gay bar with Chad was still uncomfortable for Spencer, especially because he was cute and because he got most of the attention which didn’t seem to bother him.  It was the muscled build and the close cut hair, Spencer told himself.

“So how are things with your roommate?”

“That was a total disaster.  I kind of freaked out on him and he didn’t deserve it and I apologized to him but it doesn’t feel the same.”

“Is he still living there?”

“Yeah, but we don’t talk much.  It’s kind of this awkward silence.  I keep thinking I have something to say to him, you know, but it won’t come out right.  I think it’s over.  It’s like a Cold War and we’re just going to have to part ways.”

“Do you still like him?”

“Yeah,” Spencer said.

“Then you should give it another chance,” Chad said.

“How do I do that?”

Chad took a sip from his drink. 

“You should apologize again,” Chad said.  “But mean it this time.”

“Hey, I meant it last time.”

Chad rolled his eyes and sat back.  He crossed his arms and looked away.

“What?  You don’t think so?”

“I think you said what needed to be said but I don’t think it was a really, sincere apology.  Sometimes you have to apologize more than once.  My wife and I both have been there with each other.  When you can apologize the second time then it’s real.”

“But he doesn’t even want a relationship with me.  He wants to go back to that, that asshole, that monster and it’s like, so frustrating, I can’t even stand it.  Who does that?”

Chad shook his head.

“We are all in unequal power relationships all of our lives, sometimes we mistake abuse for love, at least he has another option and you are giving him that.  Some people have no resources, hey, at least he stayed.”

“I think that had more to do with Triston than me,” Spencer said.

“But it gave you another chance.  I’m not saying he’ll accept your apology or that you will end up happily ever after.  I’m just saying you should be a man and do it.”

“And when was the last time you apologized twice?” Spencer asked.

“When I lost my job,” Chad answered.  “I said it that day and I said it just a few days ago because I can’t find work.”

“Nothing?”

“That I want to do.  My best option right now is security.  I go from being a protector of people to being a protector of stuff.”

“There’s always gay porn,” Spencer said.

“The money isn’t regular enough and besides I want to run for public office some day,” Chad said.

“Really?”

“No,” Chad said.

“You wouldn’t have to take it up the ass,” Spencer joked.

“It’s not my style,” Chad said.  “I didn’t really like it.  You gay guys are tough.”

Spencer stopped himself from spitting out his drink.  He swallowed.

“Uh?”

“It happened once.  Okay, technically twice, but the first time was a surprise and the second time was, well, more voluntary but it didn’t feel good.”

“Uh,” Spencer said.

“The prostate is one thing but having something inside you is too much, well for me it is,” Chad said.

“No uh, I can understand that,” Spencer said.

“Really?”

“We’re not all like obsessed with it.  Some of us like it and some of us don’t.”

Chad nodded.  They looked at each other awkwardly before looking away and letting out nervous laughter.

“Is that true what you just told me?”

“Completely, but let’s never talk about it again.  And if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“So guys don’t do it for you?  You aren’t, like, bisexual?”

“Sorry no,” Chad said.

“But you’re comfortable in your sexuality?  What about a job here?”

“What?”

“Yeah, gay bars hire anyone as long as they’re cute.  You’d make good tips, especially if the guys can’t have you.”

“Come on,” Chad said.  “I worked as a bartender once but that was mostly dealing with beer.”

“You’re not doing anything else,” Spencer said.

“It would be easy.  I could work part-time and go back to school and finish my bachelor’s degree.”

“See, that’s what I’m talking about.  Come with me, I kind of know the owner.”


“What?  No, not really, I couldn’t.”

“Come on,” Spencer said before standing. 

He moved to Chad’s side and began to pull at his arm playfully before Chad got up and began to walk with him.  They made their way through the bar towards the back and the manager’s office.