Spencer stood with the freezer door open dressed in his workout clothes after following a yoga video in the living room. He had been in the cool down period when Josh came home. Josh was at the counter opening a take out container.
“Oh my god that smells so good,” Spencer said.
“Want some?”
“Oh you temptress, I really want to but I can’t. Friday is my cheat day. I have to lose a few pounds.”
“You look great,” Josh said.
“I look a mess,” Spencer said.
Josh turned to him, crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter. There was something on his mind. Spencer took out a fruit juice bar and closed the door. He partially unwrapped the bar and began to suck on the end.
“I uh, talked to Paul today,” Josh said.
“What did that asshole want?” Spencer asked.
He suddenly regretted his word usage. Asshole was something he had been thinking in his head for a long time but never actually verbalized. Now that he said it the word felt appropriate for Paul and yet he didn’t know how Josh would react.
“He’s different,” Josh said. “He’s taking anger management classes and going to A.A. He’s even talking about seeing a couple’s therapist.”
“Couple, like the two of you?”
“What?”
“It’s just, I thought it was over,” Spencer replied.
Josh picked up his food and walked out of the kitchen to the living room where he sat on the couch. Spencer followed him despite his fear of dripping the juice bar on the carpet or worse the couch. He sat next to Josh and looked to the food, watched Josh put some in his mouth and begin to chew.
“It is over right?” Spencer asked.
“It is, well mostly, I mean when it was good it was really good. There were things in his life that I didn’t know about and work was too stressful, but all of that is changing.”
Spencer couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes.
“What?” Josh asked.
“You sound like an after school special. You sound like a Lifetime movie. And this where I’m supposed to try and talk you out of it. This is where I beg and plead and I tell you how great you are, then you go and do something stupid, maybe it ends up okay but most likely it doesn’t, and I might be the one who helps you again or I might be the one who identifies your corpse.”
The last word stung both of them after he said it and he paused. He waited to catch his breath, steady his breathing, and re-frame his thoughts before he said something else, something more cruel. There were so many things he wanted to say.
“I want you to be happy. I want you to get what you want and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want something else out of this.”
“You don’t even need a roommate,” Josh said.
Spencer was stunned by the true but inaccurate thought. Could he not see? Did he not feel the same? Would he ever feel the same? He had to say something. It could all be over tomorrow like so many things. He knew there was more regret in not speaking or acting than doing it.
“It’s not that. I’m afraid for you on a human level but also as a friend, because I care about you, and it scares me to say this but I want you to stay in my life. I want you to be part of my life.”
“As friends?”
Spencer reached across the couch to where Josh’s hand lay on his knee and took it. He grasped his fingers, pulled at them until he could hold his entire hand. Josh began to pull away but Spencer held him for a moment before letting go.
“I’m not ready for this,” Josh said.
“But you’d go back to him?”
“It’s different,” Josh said. “We had something. It wasn’t always like that. We complimented each other.”
“But then what? He started hitting you and humiliating you? He belittled you. You feared him.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It is easy,” Spencer said. “What’s the real reason? Are you afraid it might not work out between us?”
“Yes,” Josh said. “We’ve never really. I mean you’re cute but--”
“--I’m not your type,” Spencer said. “You like them dangerous.”
Josh dropped his fork in his food and stood. He looked down to Spencer. There was anger in his eyes and something else. He walked the long way around the coffee table to his bedroom but wasn’t in there long before he got his coat and left the apartment with a slam of the door.
Spencer reclined against the couch. He felt a pain in his stomach. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to yell.
Did he want someone who didn’t want him back? He was cute but? Did he just force Josh back into Paul’s clutches? What did he do? He wanted to call Josh or maybe chase after him but there was something else in his eyes besides anger.
He thought about it for a moment before he realized he could verbalize the feeling.
“I’m scared too,” Spencer said.
No comments:
Post a Comment