Living together in the same apartment, sharing the same bed, was a serious commitment for Triston, Darrell, and Bobby. No one made an advance, touched or grabbed unless it was expected and usually communicated before it was done. They weren’t there for the sex. They weren’t in a monogamous relationship, it was something else, a friendship. They could talk all night long but they were also comfortable with awkward silences. Each of them was in the bed for his own reason.
For Darrell it was sobriety, dependency, and preoccupation, the little annoyances and distractions that made him fill his day with something else. It had gotten bad two years before he moved in with them. He had his own apartment in that section of town that sounded like a bachelor’s neighborhood.
Drinking on the weekends became drinking every night until he had a collection of bottles in the cupboards of his kitchen instead of dishes, along the counters, and windowsills.
Sometimes they had a utility by holding candles but afterwards, after he decided to detox, go to AA and quit, well they were a reminder. He hated the sound they made, bottle against bottle, grinding as he carried them by the brown paper bag full, two or three in each hand to the dumpster where he set them to the side. They were gone the next day, collected by one of the city’s many homeless, someone had hit the mother load. He could smile about that minimal good that came from his habit, his indulgence, no his suffering.
When you drink for the good times is one thing but when you drink for silence that’s something else entirely different, he thought. He had been a functional alcoholic, no one ever caught on to his self-abuse. He’d sober up in the first few hours of work, drink a couple coffees until he felt ready for his afternoon meetings. How could no one have known?
Maybe they didn’t want to know. Or maybe, just maybe, people are more self-absorbed than he thought and no one could identify his problem, least of all his mother. He didn’t tell her how bad it had gotten, just that he had decided to give it up and he was going to A.A. She just smiled at him, hugged him.
But even sobriety was his new secret, especially why. He didn’t want to relive those moments alone, sitting in the bathtub, on his back, and other impaired judgments including sex. He had gotten lucky. But he considered his best luck to be when he met Triston through a dating website.
They had exchanged emails, IM messages, exchanged numbers, and gotten together for coffee. It was over two black coffees that he confessed that he was looking for friends and not lovers. Triston invited him to the apartment he already shared with Bobby. The cabinets were bare, there were condiment packets in the refrigerator.
They talked for hours on the couch until Bobby came home, then they talked for another hour before he realized how late it had gotten. When they invited him to stay the night he thought to refuse, to dismiss them and leave, but then he thought about his long walk home and his empty bed.
Sometimes, he reasoned, you can trust someone. Triston was someone that if ever he felt a spiritual connection it would be with him. Talking was easy. He could imagine not talking to him for years, meeting up with him, and finding the same comfort.
That first night was awkward. He worried about where his hands and feet ended up. He worried about who was touching him and where. There was just enough space between them. He fantasized about cuddling together. He wanted to hold someone. Bobby was more his type but he thought Triston would have been the most open to it. But he couldn’t bring himself to say anything that first night.
It came out over breakfast when they recognized he didn’t seem to have slept well. Triston forced the conversation because he said he was worried about Darrell not returning. It was one of those conversations no one wanted to have and yet it benefited everyone. It was cathartic.
After that conversation he couldn’t imagine spending another night alone and he didn’t want either of them to leave.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Ch 14 - Bring Unto Me
Three men in the bed during winter kept them warm all night long. But it was the morning when it felt too good for any of them to want to get out of bed. They were usually up by 6:30 in the morning, but even if they had to get up to use the bathroom each of them returned to the bed and got back under the covers.
On Saturday mornings if Spencer stayed over he ended up in bed with them sometimes, especially when it was cold.
Shoulder to shoulder the four of them stared up at the ceiling.
“Did you know Walter wears a diaper?” Darrell asked.
“Yeah,” Triston replied. “We tried it out one night. It was his idea. He saw it online and wanted to see what it was like.”
“He wore it when he took me to my mother’s place to help her. It was kind of weird.”
“How did you find out?” Bobby asked.
“By accident when he was filling the car tire with air. It was right there peeking out at me. I thought it was funny at first but then it started to worry me.”
“Did you say anything?”
“I had to say something, but I tried to be polite. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be weird for my mother. He was really nice though, made it easy. She liked him.”
“That’s good,” Triston said. “That reminds me, he wants to have a birthday party here.”
“Birthday party? What are we talking about?” Darrell asked.
“Two weeks from now, on a Friday, he wants to have a sleepover,” Triston said.
“Sleepover? Like we’re twelve years old?” Darrell asked.
“Like we’re friends, male friends, all hanging out together. There will be drinks and snacks. He wants to have a marathon of some kind. Either a television show or some movies, maybe horror movies.”
“Sounds kind of lame,” Spencer said.
“He doesn’t have any friends. I thought it would be okay. It’s a Friday night.”
“Just remind me,” Darrell said.
“I’ll probably be there,” Bobby said.
“Are we getting him presents?” Spencer asked.
“Something small, if it’s not too much,” Triston said.
“Maybe some more diapers?” Darrell asked.
Everyone fell silent at the question, at the dilemma. Each of them had not known Walter very long. He was likable but young, unpredictable. There was a shift from person to person, a movement of a hand, a foot, but a like minded comfort.
“I got a new job,” Bobby said.
“What? Where?” Spencer asked.
“The Unicorn, I’m going to be a stripper slash go-go boy,” Bobby said.
“It makes sense now,” Triston said.
“What’s that?” Bobby asked.
“Why you’ve been going to the gym more these last two weeks. I thought it was your new boyfriend. How is he? Are you going to tell him?”
“No commitments,” Bobby said. “I’m going to tell him, eventually, but there’s a lot of things he doesn’t know, like about us, this.”
“What’s wrong with this?” Spencer asked.
“A lot of people would be confused,” Darrell said.
“So, dancing around in your undies? What made you interested?”
“I think it will be fun. It’s a good way to make cash and I don’t plan to ever run for public office in my future. Plus, I mean I have enough selfies online that are just as revealing.”
“Besides by then it will be no big deal. Eventually we’ll have a female president who posted pictures online of herself doing bong hits and keg stands,” Darrell said.
“Exactly,” Bobby said.
On Saturday mornings if Spencer stayed over he ended up in bed with them sometimes, especially when it was cold.
Shoulder to shoulder the four of them stared up at the ceiling.
“Did you know Walter wears a diaper?” Darrell asked.
“Yeah,” Triston replied. “We tried it out one night. It was his idea. He saw it online and wanted to see what it was like.”
“He wore it when he took me to my mother’s place to help her. It was kind of weird.”
“How did you find out?” Bobby asked.
“By accident when he was filling the car tire with air. It was right there peeking out at me. I thought it was funny at first but then it started to worry me.”
“Did you say anything?”
“I had to say something, but I tried to be polite. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be weird for my mother. He was really nice though, made it easy. She liked him.”
“That’s good,” Triston said. “That reminds me, he wants to have a birthday party here.”
“Birthday party? What are we talking about?” Darrell asked.
“Two weeks from now, on a Friday, he wants to have a sleepover,” Triston said.
“Sleepover? Like we’re twelve years old?” Darrell asked.
“Like we’re friends, male friends, all hanging out together. There will be drinks and snacks. He wants to have a marathon of some kind. Either a television show or some movies, maybe horror movies.”
“Sounds kind of lame,” Spencer said.
“He doesn’t have any friends. I thought it would be okay. It’s a Friday night.”
“Just remind me,” Darrell said.
“I’ll probably be there,” Bobby said.
“Are we getting him presents?” Spencer asked.
“Something small, if it’s not too much,” Triston said.
“Maybe some more diapers?” Darrell asked.
Everyone fell silent at the question, at the dilemma. Each of them had not known Walter very long. He was likable but young, unpredictable. There was a shift from person to person, a movement of a hand, a foot, but a like minded comfort.
“I got a new job,” Bobby said.
“What? Where?” Spencer asked.
“The Unicorn, I’m going to be a stripper slash go-go boy,” Bobby said.
“It makes sense now,” Triston said.
“What’s that?” Bobby asked.
“Why you’ve been going to the gym more these last two weeks. I thought it was your new boyfriend. How is he? Are you going to tell him?”
“No commitments,” Bobby said. “I’m going to tell him, eventually, but there’s a lot of things he doesn’t know, like about us, this.”
“What’s wrong with this?” Spencer asked.
“A lot of people would be confused,” Darrell said.
“So, dancing around in your undies? What made you interested?”
“I think it will be fun. It’s a good way to make cash and I don’t plan to ever run for public office in my future. Plus, I mean I have enough selfies online that are just as revealing.”
“Besides by then it will be no big deal. Eventually we’ll have a female president who posted pictures online of herself doing bong hits and keg stands,” Darrell said.
“Exactly,” Bobby said.
Ch 13 - DL Isn't Just for Down Low
“Before we get on the road I want to make sure I got the right air in my tires,” Walter said.
“It’s your car,” Darrell said.
He was trying to keep his cool about any small thing because his car was in for repairs and he needed to visit his mother. Walter had not only offered to drive him but help him to move her furniture as well.
Walter pulled off the highway and drove to the nearest gas station where he pulled to the air pump. Darrell watched him for a moment as he shifted to park, turned off the car, retrieved the pressure gauge from the glove compartment, got out, and began to check the air in the tires. He decided he would get snacks and got out as well. He walked to where Walter was crouched.
He watched as Walter worked the gauge skillfully before he stepped closer to ask him if he wanted any snacks when he spotted the young man’s shirt was riding up his back, his jeans were open, and he took the opportunity to see his underwear when he spotted something he wouldn’t have expected. He spotted the puffy, shiny band of a diaper.
Darrell was shocked by what he saw but also amused. He had never heard about Walter having any bowel problems, no this was something else. He wanted to laugh out loud, wanted to say something, make a comment, but he stopped himself. He decided to ask what Walter wanted from the store instead.
“Nothing thanks,” Walter said.
Darrell turned and walked away to the store. He made his way inside and to the back where he laughed to himself. But as funny as it was he was having second thoughts about taking the young man to his mother’s home. What if he did something weird? What would she think of him? How could he explain he knew Walter without being his friend or worse, his lover?
As much as he worried about being there with Walter he worried more about his mother being upset about him not visiting after he had to miss the previous weekends because of work and being hungover. No, he had to go, but maybe he could make some rules with Walter or make a deal with him.
Darrell made his way to the clerk where he paid for his items, then back out into the sun and to where Walter leaned back against his car. It wasn’t obvious from the look of his jeans that Walter was wearing anything but he knew, had seen them, and he couldn’t help but think about them. He thought about the road trip and the woman who wore diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop while driving across country to kill someone.
Walter got inside the car and for a moment Darrell thought he heard the squish of the diaper. He looked to the young man who looked back at him.
“What?” Walter asked.
Darrell took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to say anything. I mean I don’t usually care what people do but we’re going to see my mother.”
Walter stared at him as Darrell gathered his courage.
“Are you wearing a diaper?”
Walter’s face turned red and he looked away.
“Why are you wearing a diaper?”
Walter shrugged his shoulders.
“Why are you wearing a diaper today?”
“I like them. Okay?” Walter said.
“I’m trying not to judge you. Why today? Why now? You’re driving me to my mother’s to help me move furniture.”
“I don’t know. I just felt nervous and they make me feel better.”
Darrell regretted the next thought that came to his mind but he figured he would be in the car with Walter for an hour each way, plus any time they spent together at the house moving furniture.
“You’re not going to shit yourself are you?”
Darrell felt as shocked at his own question as he could tell Walter looked. He wanted to take it back. He wanted to excuse himself, apologize, and yet there was some reality to dealing with a situation. Walter was young, impulsive and he didn’t know him very well. Darrell felt worse when he saw Walter’s body get tense as if he were about to cry.
“I’m sorry,” Walter said.
“What?”
“I fucked up. I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know, got used to them. I can take it off.”
Walter looked to Darrell and Darrell looked away, he suddenly felt worse.
“It’s your car,” Darrell said.
He was trying to keep his cool about any small thing because his car was in for repairs and he needed to visit his mother. Walter had not only offered to drive him but help him to move her furniture as well.
Walter pulled off the highway and drove to the nearest gas station where he pulled to the air pump. Darrell watched him for a moment as he shifted to park, turned off the car, retrieved the pressure gauge from the glove compartment, got out, and began to check the air in the tires. He decided he would get snacks and got out as well. He walked to where Walter was crouched.
He watched as Walter worked the gauge skillfully before he stepped closer to ask him if he wanted any snacks when he spotted the young man’s shirt was riding up his back, his jeans were open, and he took the opportunity to see his underwear when he spotted something he wouldn’t have expected. He spotted the puffy, shiny band of a diaper.
Darrell was shocked by what he saw but also amused. He had never heard about Walter having any bowel problems, no this was something else. He wanted to laugh out loud, wanted to say something, make a comment, but he stopped himself. He decided to ask what Walter wanted from the store instead.
“Nothing thanks,” Walter said.
Darrell turned and walked away to the store. He made his way inside and to the back where he laughed to himself. But as funny as it was he was having second thoughts about taking the young man to his mother’s home. What if he did something weird? What would she think of him? How could he explain he knew Walter without being his friend or worse, his lover?
As much as he worried about being there with Walter he worried more about his mother being upset about him not visiting after he had to miss the previous weekends because of work and being hungover. No, he had to go, but maybe he could make some rules with Walter or make a deal with him.
Darrell made his way to the clerk where he paid for his items, then back out into the sun and to where Walter leaned back against his car. It wasn’t obvious from the look of his jeans that Walter was wearing anything but he knew, had seen them, and he couldn’t help but think about them. He thought about the road trip and the woman who wore diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop while driving across country to kill someone.
Walter got inside the car and for a moment Darrell thought he heard the squish of the diaper. He looked to the young man who looked back at him.
“What?” Walter asked.
Darrell took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to say anything. I mean I don’t usually care what people do but we’re going to see my mother.”
Walter stared at him as Darrell gathered his courage.
“Are you wearing a diaper?”
Walter’s face turned red and he looked away.
“Why are you wearing a diaper?”
Walter shrugged his shoulders.
“Why are you wearing a diaper today?”
“I like them. Okay?” Walter said.
“I’m trying not to judge you. Why today? Why now? You’re driving me to my mother’s to help me move furniture.”
“I don’t know. I just felt nervous and they make me feel better.”
Darrell regretted the next thought that came to his mind but he figured he would be in the car with Walter for an hour each way, plus any time they spent together at the house moving furniture.
“You’re not going to shit yourself are you?”
Darrell felt as shocked at his own question as he could tell Walter looked. He wanted to take it back. He wanted to excuse himself, apologize, and yet there was some reality to dealing with a situation. Walter was young, impulsive and he didn’t know him very well. Darrell felt worse when he saw Walter’s body get tense as if he were about to cry.
“I’m sorry,” Walter said.
“What?”
“I fucked up. I’m sorry. I just, I don’t know, got used to them. I can take it off.”
Walter looked to Darrell and Darrell looked away, he suddenly felt worse.
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