Ch 39 - When It's Over

Dear Reader, unfortunately or maybe fortunately I have gotten into writing a new novel that I feel I need to devote some attention to as I have been making significant progress. I'm going to take a three week break from posting Inside the Beltway so that I can devote myself to this other work without losing more focus on Inside the Beltway.  Who knows maybe the break with let me get some fresh perspective. Best, Bryan 

It’s over, Spencer told himself as he sat across the table from Aden.  They were at an expensive restaurant.  They hadn’t even ordered yet.  It had started as a date.  At least that was the intention.  No, maybe it wasn’t, Spencer thought, maybe that’s what he told himself so that’s what he could tell Aden to get him there.

This is what it feels like.  We’re both going through some motion.  I don’t even know why he showed up.  Aden looked up from his phone, smiled.

“What’s going on?” Aden asked.

“Nothing,” Spencer said.

“Sorry,” he said holding up his phone.  “It’s my sister.  This is my last message.”

There were so many things Spencer wanted to say.  He wanted to demand his money back.  He wanted to yell at him for all the missed phone calls and text messages.  He wanted to yell at him for stringing him along.  Was he just a Sugar Daddy?

He felt like he was about to tip over the edge and do something he’d regret so he got up and walked away.  Aden looked up, watched him walk away.  Spencer could feel him staring at him but he kept moving even though it felt like an elastic band was stretching between them.  He spotted the waiter, moved to him, and stopped him.

“I’m sorry but I have to go,” he said.  “I won’t be ordering anything.”

“No problem,” the waiter responded.

Spencer looked over his shoulder to see Aden getting up from the table.  It looked like he was going to follow.  Spencer continued out to the front of the restaurant where he spotted the valet and asked for his car.

“But you just arrived,” the man said.

“And now I’m leaving,” Spencer replied.

“Okay, just a minute,” the man said.

Spencer put his hands in his pockets and looked out to the busy city street.  He wasn’t surprised but a little terrified when he heard the door open behind him.

“Where are you going?” Aden asked.

Spencer rolled his eyes.  There was so much he wanted to say.

“Look, I put my phone away, come back inside.  I promise I won’t use it anymore.”

Spencer turned on him.  He saw the man’s handsome face, his broad shoulders, and he remembered that day at the beach.  He thought about the night in bed, the next morning when he met Josh, and the sex they had.  It was good but it wasn’t worth it. 

“You were sitting there for ten minutes exchanging text messages with someone but I hardly ever hear from you,” Spencer said.  “I’m the one who usually has to start it and even then I’m not sure if you’re going to respond.”

“Hey, I’m sorry but I get busy.”

“Even when you’re with me.  When you’re with me you’re really somewhere else, with someone else.  I’m curious but just how many guys are you dating?”

“I’m not,” Aden said.

Spencer rolled his eyes.

“Okay, I’m dating someone else too but it’s not like we’re committed.  It’s not like we’re monogamous and I swear it wasn’t him.  I was texting my sister.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Spencer said. 

“I thought you might try to pull this on me,” Aden replied.

“Why did you even come here tonight?” Spencer asked.  "Was there any future together?"

“I don’t know.  I thought you were pretty good in bed.”

“Didn’t want to pass up a free meal?”

“That’s low man.  I don’t deserve that.”

“No?  Then give me my forty bucks back?”

“What?”

“You don’t even remember,” Spencer said.  “I loaned you money for a sweater.  I thought you were going to pay me back.”

Aden contemplated what he said.  It looked as if he were sorting through people who had given him gifts, the gifts he had been given, and if it had been implied that the person would be paid back.

“Just keep it,” Spencer said.  He looked to the valet.

“Just one minute sir,” the man said.

“Can I get a ride home?” Aden asked.

Spencer shook his head.  Of all things to ask.

“It’s over,” Spencer said.

“You’re a real asshole,” Aden said before walking past him and down the sidewalk.

“I’m the asshole?” Spencer yelled.

“Sir,” the valet said.

He looked to the man who stood embarrassed by the cursing yet trying to remain professional.  Spencer apologized to him.  It wasn’t long after that his car arrived.  He tipped the valet, then drove away.

Usually he would have headed to the guys, sought comfort with them, but he wanted to go home instead.  He moved on autopilot as he drove home, parked his car, locked it, and headed to the elevator of his building.  He got to his front door, took out his keys, unlocked and opened it.  He pushed open the door to see the glow of the television and hear a television show. 

He didn’t recognize the voices but he knew the sound and the light meant Josh was home.  Someone is home, he thought.  That's a nice feeling.

He stepped inside and closed the door.  It felt like he left Aden and his disappointment outside.  In here he was someone else.  He stepped to the living room.  Josh was on the couch with his feet up on the coffee table.

“I’m eating lots of ice cream, then I’m going to bed and fall into a sugar coma,” Spencer said.  “Should I bring one spoon or two?”

“That bad of a day?  Why don’t you come in and talk about it?”

Spencer decided to forget about the ice cream for the moment and went into his living room where he sat next to Josh who muted the television.

“What’s going on?” Josh asked.

“I broke up with Aden,” Spencer answered.

“Sorry to hear that,” Josh said.  “Are you going to be okay?”

Spencer snorted at the question.  Someone was asking if he was going to be okay.  He nodded and sat back on the couch.

“How about instead of ice cream we have a beer?” Josh asked.  “We can zone out in front of the TV.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Spencer said.

Ch 37 - How It Happened

This post contains descriptions of an abusive relationship between gay men.  Unfortunately there are not many resources out there for gay men in abusive relationships but if you are in one please seek support.

The apartment was in almost complete darkness, except for the display on the microwave, the few other digital clocks, and the glow of power indicators as Spencer lay flat on his back on the living room floor with headphones over his ears listening to a third podcast.  It was a the tranquility he needed after his long day at work. 

He had contemplated smoking a joint, masturbating, and reading a book before he turned off his computer and phone, took the two items nearest to him, and got down onto the soft carpet.  It was a foolish, impractical thing to do but it reminded him of his first apartment when he had no furniture.  It reminded him of when he was young an he did things like that just for the experience.

His tranquility was broken when he heard the front door open.  There was no doubt it was Josh.  He thought to sit up, get his things, and pretend to be busy but he felt the inertia of being relaxed and decided to not move, hope that Josh didn’t see him.  He listened to his roommate enter the apartment, then head straight back to his room.

When Josh’s door didn’t close he worried that the man would be back out towards the living room where he’d be found, or worse where he’d scare him.  Spencer sat up and looked for some light, some indication of what his roommate was doing but there was none.  He took the headphones off one ear and listened. 

Josh opened a drawer, closed it, and headed to the bathroom.  Spencer heard the shower start so he decided to lay back down, put his headphones back on properly.  He closed his eyes, tried to refocus on the podcast but it was no good so he paused it.  The sound of the water in the shower was muffled but he listened for it to stop. 

Fifteen minutes later it did.  He sat up enough to see the bathroom light as Josh opened the door but then it was off and he waited.  He wanted Josh to go back to his room so he could go back to his peace and quiet, but he didn’t.  Josh moved to the kitchen where he turned on the light.  Spencer felt more foolish so he got up from the floor and moved to the couch and sat with his headphones and MP3 player in his lap.

“Hey Josh, I’m in the living room.  I didn’t want you to be scared or anything.”

“Okay,” Josh replied.

It was unemotional, unworried.  Spencer looked to his laptop and thought about turning it back on but didn’t because he didn’t want to see anymore emails or posts.  He listened as Josh made himself a snack, then walk to the doorway.

“What are you doing in here in the dark?”

Spencer rolled his eyes only to realize his motion couldn’t be seen as he was sitting in a shadow.  Josh on the other hand was a silhouette in the archway, a handsome silhouette. 

“I was just trying to relax,” Spencer said.

“Oh, okay,” Josh said.  He shifted on his feet and began to turn away before he refocused on the living room where Spencer sat in the partial darkness. 

“Are you busy?”

“Nope,” Spencer said.  He felt the headphones in his hands and wished he had said something else, wished he had said the truth.  He wanted his own personal time, his own personal space.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure,” Spencer said.

Josh moved from the entrance of the room across the floor and to the other end of the couch where he sat.  He was fresh from the shower and there was an odor of soap and melon coming from him.  Spencer liked the smell.  He wanted to be closer to it.  He wanted to taste it.

“I uh, need to talk to someone,” Josh said.

It wasn’t what Spencer had thought would happen but it felt momentous so he stopped himself from thinking further and focused his thought and his energy on Josh.  He could barely make out the man’s form and yet there was some comfort in not being able to really see each other.

“Something came up the other day in the support group and it just brought up all of these feelings about Paul and our relationship.  I thought about saying something to the group but it just felt so weird.  It was like this thing that was stuck in my throat and I couldn’t say it but I also couldn’t forget it.  I thought about saying something to Triston but he’s been really busy with Vincent and I thought about one of the other guys or one of my friends but I feel like they don’t really know me.

“I know we had our argument and it’s been kind of weird living here.  I know you liked living alone and everything, but I don’t know, it’s been kind of nice being here.  Then I think about Paul and it’s like I’ve been in denial or something.  I mean I know it happened and I know it was wrong but I just didn’t want to think about it.  When I speak about it it’s kind of all the things I’m supposed to say, the minimal things, but it just has been building in me.  It feels like this knot in my stomach. 

“Sometimes I just want to blurt it out at the most inappropriate times, you know, it’s like this thing that people don’t know about me and sometimes I think they should, but really I know they shouldn’t.  And it’s like any little thing sets me off, or at least feels like it.  The other day at work this guy kept talking about his ‘wife beater’ and it was getting to me.  He just kept using the term and he was talking about his undershirt.  I just wanted to grab him and...” He motioned with his hands as if he was breaking something in half.  “I know it seems so stupid but it just was bothering me.  I mean it’s like everyone there has this expectation of who I am and what I’ve been through but they don’t really know.  They don’t know much of anything about me.”

When Josh stopped speaking Spencer sat up a little, the headphones suddenly felt heavy in his hands so he put them on the coffee table along with the MP3 player, but then they were empty and his hands themselves felt heavy.

“Maybe I shouldn’t even tell you,” Josh said.

A breath, a heartbeat, Spencer was caught off guard by the comment but forced himself to speak.  He knew those words that had to be said.

“No, it’s okay,” he replied.  “Really, I’m here for you.  I mean I’m not the best with knowing when to do things like hold your hand or hug you but I’m here.  I’ll listen.”

Josh shifted in his seat and for a moment Spencer worried he’d leave, but he didn’t.  Instead Josh sat back, further into the darkness until they could barely see each other.  Each knew the other person was there, as if they could feel each other in shadow, but they couldn’t really see each other.

“I want to tell you about being with Paul,” Josh said.

“Okay,” Spencer replied.

“The first time it happened we were arguing and I said something really mean to him so he slapped me.  I just kind of thought it was a normal thing, you know, like couples on TV slap each other.  But then, the next time it was kind of different.  It was like this punishment when he wrestled me to the ground.  He’s strong but he’s also trained for all these years.  At first it kind of felt like we were equals and I could overpower him, so it felt like a regular fight, you know, but then I was on the ground and I just knew something was wrong.

“It became more of a punishment after that.  Not really a punishment, but some act of sadism.  He had this way of grabbing me by the shoulders and pushing his fingernails into my skin, more than his fingernails, his fingers.  He’d come up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.  He’d do it if there was something he felt I had done wrong, you know, like he’d caught me so he had to punish me, but then it felt like he’d just do it to torture me.  He said he thought I liked it. 

“At first I thought it was easier just to go along, let him do whatever, and then we could move on with life.  He wasn’t always sadistic.  But then, I don’t know, I just felt like I had to get away from him, but I just felt so foolish.  I mean here I am, a muscled, strong gay man in a relationship with someone older than me and I’m afraid of him.  It was like I didn’t know what would set him off and it felt like if I resisted, if I challenged him, it was all of the excuse he needed. 

“He could go to such dark, scary places.  It was like he went into this state and he just took it so far.  He’d make these jokes and the comments about suicide, or like when there was a news story about someone who murdered their husband or wife.  It was subtle but they stuck with me.  They were like these barbs or these tiny, little cuts.  And I started to worry about if I really made him angry, if I really gave him reason to do it.

“It felt like I was underwater, but like he was my only way out.  I thought about going to someone like a friend but I didn’t think there was anything they could do for me.  Most of the people I knew, especially people at work or like friends, weren’t really relationships you know.  When I met Triston it felt like I was at the bottom.  I didn’t think about leaving Paul anymore.  I thought about murdering him.”

Spencer shifted in his seat.  He felt the sincerity and the weight of what he was being told and it felt like this special moment between them.

“No really, I thought about it.  I thought about how to get past his fighting abilities and do it.  I thought about using a knife or a weapon.  I thought about poisoning him.  I was so angry all of the time.  I just wanted it to be over. 

“That’s when I met Triston at the shop.  He was just so engaging and interesting.  I talked with him for hours at different times.  I think he kind of knew what was going on but he didn’t say anything.  He just kind of was there for me.  Then, one day he just gives me this big hug.  It was exactly what I needed.  I didn’t want to let go because if I did I would have to go back home to Paul.  I started crying and he just sat with me.  I thought this is it.  This is my break.  I told him as much as I could and he just listened to me, then when I was done he told me I had to leave.  I said I couldn’t, but he said he knew some people.  He said he would help me escape and he did.

“I know I can’t go back to him but it’s like I still want this feeling of closure.  I want to be able to yell at him.  I want to be able to punish him or just hit him.  I want to know that if I see him again we’d be like strangers and that he won’t bother me.  I mean I know he loved me.  He used to tell me all of the time and he’d get me gifts but it’s like a dangerous love.  I hate knowing that he’s still out there.  I hate thinking of him being alone, but it’s like I can’t do it.  I can’t be his punching bag or some toy he breaks.  I want to move on with my life.”

Spencer slowly reached across the couch to Josh until his fingers touched the man's forearm.  He felt over the hair there for a moment until he maneuvered around to the man's hand where he gently took hold, laced their fingers together.  It was a comfort they both needed.

Ch 36 - In the Army

The room fell quiet as Walter, Bobby, Spencer, Triston, Darrell, and Josh took their seats  around Spencer’s dinner table with boxes of Thai food spread between them.  There was more than enough for them to eat.  Each began to look over the dishes, take some, and pass it.

“I think I’m going to have to break up with Aden,” Spencer said.

“What?  He’s so cute,” Walter said.

“Cute maybe, but he’s not that smart.”

“But he looks good naked,” Josh added.

“You saw him naked?  What was it like?” Bobby asked.

“Thin and a little to the left,” Josh said.

“When did you see him naked?” Darrell asked.

“He slept over, didn’t know I had a roommate and they kind of ran into each other in the morning,” Spencer said.

“I hope not,” Bobby replied.

“He seemed like a nice guy,” Josh said.

“Not really,” Spencer replied, “he borrowed forty dollars from me a week ago and he hasn’t said a thing to me about it since.  I saw him in person, we talked on the phone, and we even sent text messages.”

“Why did you give him forty dollars?” Triston asked.

“We were out shopping and he saw this shirt he really liked.”

“That was a gift,” Bobby said.  “Guys buy things for me all of the time.”

“Really?” Walter asked.

“Well, okay, sometimes, but still it’s a gift.”

“This wasn’t a gift.  I specifically told him it was a loan.”

“Maybe he hasn’t gotten paid yet,” Darrell suggested.

“Whatever the case it’s kind of annoying.  It’s only been a week but he’s had money for lots of other stuff.  In fact he even told me two days later he bought new shoes.”

“Don’t let him take advantage of you,” Walter said.  “You should have him pay for something and then it would be even.”

Spencer looked down to his plate of food and shook his head.  He wasn’t the type to try and pull something like that.  He’d confront him maybe, but con it out of him, no way.

“Well, you don’t want to be known as a Sugar Daddy.  You’re too cute for that,” Bobby said.

“Thanks, I guess.  Speaking of Sugar Daddy’s, we haven’t heard about Triston and Vincent in Las Vegas.  How was it?”

“It was nice,” Triston said.

“Did you ever leave the room?” Walter asked.

“Yeah, we did.  We even spent some time by the pool.  I was all worried about going there as a couple and I definitely had my moments of insecurity but it was nice to travel with someone.  We didn’t really hold hands or anything in public, though we went to a few gay spots in the Fruit Loop.  It was nice to know that we’d go back to the room together though and we could just relax.”

“Was it crowded?”

“Not really, but it there were people around.  There were lots of advertisements for female strip shows and private escorts, that type of thing.”

“How much did you lose?”

“I actually didn’t gamble that much.  That was more Vincent, and he actually won some money, but it wasn’t much compared to how much we spent on liquor and food.  We did meet a very nice gay boy though.  It was kind of funny.  Vincent was at the bar and this middle aged, middle America woman came up to me and asked to use his chair.  I said it was for my boyfriend.”

Everyone oohed at his boldness.

“That’s when she drops this bomb on me that her son just came out.  She just told me he was gay.  It was like this casual conversation.  She was kind of proud I think.  I was stunned, but then when the son got there she introduced us.”

“Was he hot?”

“Very, but shy, at least in front of his parents.  It was kind of cute.  He’s in the army and he took his family to Vegas while he was on leave.  He had this whole army boy thing going for him.”

“Did you have a three way?” Walter asked.

Everyone looked to him.

“I’m just asking what everyone is thinking.”

“No,” Triston said with a shake of his head.  “We went out though.  He got a little too drunk at the bar.  He was kind of a light weight but we got him back.  The whole time in the elevator I was praying for him not to throw up.  Thankfully he had his own room though.”

“Man that would have been awkward.”

“I ran into him the next day at the lunch buffet they had.  We talked a little bit and we promised to stay in touch with each other.  He wants to come to D.C. when his contract is up.  He says there’s more jobs here.”

Ch 35 - Vegas

A cup of tea in his hand Triston walked the store fixing items, picking up dirt, and anything else he could think to distract himself.  It was four hours until his flight out of D.C. to Las Vegas and he was worried.  He had passed Cheryl for the third time when she caught his eye.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

He stopped in the doorway of the office, turned his head.  He had never been one to hide his feelings.  He had always been open and shared too much.  That’s why he couldn’t work anywhere else, but somehow this felt different.  He felt a shame unlike any other.  She continued to stare at him until he felt drawn into her confidence.

“I need to talk,” he said.

“Come in and have a seat.”

“I’m just, it’s this vacation.  I’m having some anxiety.  I’m worried.”

“Because of the relationship?”

Triston shook his head.

“Because of Vincent’s health?”

Triston shook his head.

“Well, you’re going to have to help me honey because I can’t think of anything else.”

“I’m worried about traveling with him.  It’s one thing to be gay.  It’s another to be a gay couple, and it’s even more when you go out in public, especially places where you don’t know how people will react.  It’s one thing around here in D.C. but out there...”

“Things are changing,” she said.

“Not fast enough to keep me safe.  I mean it’s like there are places where you know what you can and can’t do.  Bars, certain restaurants, and even certain streets it’s like there’s this safe place but I’ve never traveled with a boyfriend.  I mean I’m not much on PDA but still, just one look and it’s just the excuse someone needs.”

“It’s not going to be that bad,” she said.  “You’ll figure it out.  What would be different than being here?”

“D.C. is just such a progressive place.  I mean I know when I leave the city limits.  I know when I’m out of my element.  And I don’t want to just act like we’re friends.  I don’t want to act like we’re just two guys hanging out.  I’m a proud gay man.  I’ve marched.  I’ve come out to anyone who showed interest and some people who didn’t.”

“Have you looked up Las Vegas?  Have you done some research?”

“Not really,” Triston said.  “It was Vincent’s idea and I guess I just thought he’d do all the planning.  He talks about it with this kind of excitement.”

“I’m going to send you some links.  When I was there I saw a drag show and a production of Naked Boys Singing that was a lot of fun.”

“Really?”

“You haven’t done your homework.  Wait a minute.”

Cheryl turned to her computer, pulled up her email, and began to work on a list.  Triston watched her for a moment and smiled to himself.  He really hadn’t thought about it.

*****

Twenty-four hours later, Vincent and Triston were poolside at their hotel, side by side in matching swimming briefs, covered from head to toe in sun-tan lotion, and wearing sunglasses.  The backs of their hands comfortably rested against each other, some subtle connection that could have been an accident.

The only other person was an old woman who sat on the opposite side of the pool looking away from them with a cigarette in one hand and a book in the other.  It was comfortable, sunny day. 

Triston had his eyes closed when he felt Vincent move, his hand was gone.  He opened his eyes and looked up to see Vincent putting on a robe. 

“I’m going for a drink.  Do you want something?”

“Maybe I should dry out,” Triston said.

“This is Vegas.  I’ll get you what you had before.”

“Thanks,” Triston said.

He closed his eyes and raised his chin again into the sun.  He listened to Vincent pad across the concrete to the bar where a lonely server sat transfixed with his cell phone.  For once he felt comfortable, until he heard someone approaching who wasn’t Vincent.  He opened his eyes to see a middle aged woman at the foot of his chair.

“Is that chair taken?”

“Uh yeah,” Triston said.

He looked to the woman and he suddenly felt uncomfortable because she was so much like his mother.  She wasn’t dressed for the pool but her clothes were loose and open.

“We’re just trying to get some chairs together for the family,” she said.

Maybe it was the mention of family, maybe it was the presumption of them being heterosexual, maybe it was all that fear he had felt all of his life, and maybe it was a revolt against shame but his lips began to move faster than his brain.

“Sorry,” he said, “it’s where my boyfriend was sitting.  He’s over at the bar.”

She smiled at him, then looked to the bar, and back.  It was a sincere smile, though he feared it would turn cruel at any moment.  He forced a smile of his own.

“He’s cute,” she said.  “You know my son just came out recently.  He’s in the armed services so it had to have been after they got rid of that ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy.  Don’t even get me started on that.”

Triston stopped himself from a nervous laugh.

“He’s here in town with the family but there’s a big difference in age between him and his younger brother.  Well, big enough that I know he needs to get out an do adult things.  He doesn’t have any friends here, maybe I should introduce you to him.”

Triston looked back to the bar where he saw Vincent walking away with a tray of drinks and snacks, but he wasn’t moving fast enough.  Triston wanted rescued from this situation, but he looked back to the woman who moved to him and offered her hand.  They shook.

“I’m Maggie,” she said.

“Triston,” he replied.

“When he gets here do you mind if I send him over to say hello?”

“No, not at all,” Triston said.

She walked away and moments later Vincent arrived.  He placed the tray on the small table between them, scratched at himself.

“What was that about?”

“She wants us to meet her son.  He just came out as gay and he’s here for the weekend but he doesn’t have any friends, and he’s in the armed services.”

“Is he cute?” Vincent asked.

“You know, that didn’t come up,” Triston answered.

Ch 34 Early Bird

“Oh, hi there.”

The surprised, familiar voice woke Spencer from his morning sleep.  It had been distant, barely audible.  He was face down in his bed, dressed in boxer shorts and an undershirt, no sheet covering him, which was unusual, because he always slept with at least a thin sheet.  He flexed his hand to bring about more circulation as he shifted from one shoulder to the other.

“Hi, I’m Josh.”

“Hi, I’m Aden.”

Spencer groaned at hearing the two men introduce themselves to each other, and at such at an early time, when it was obvious why Aden was still there.  Spencer grabbed hold of his scalp and began to massage it.  He could barely open his eyes.  He felt too tired to deal with anything.  He rolled onto his back to listen for further conversation but he couldn’t hear it.  Were they whispering?  Did they think he was asleep or because they didn’t want him to hear?

He thought about getting up out of bed but the idea of finding them in the kitchen wasn’t something he liked so he waited.  It wasn’t long before his bedroom door opened and in walked Aden, completely naked and carrying a bowl of cereal.  He closed the door and moved to the foot of the bed where he ate a spoonful and looked down at Spencer who looked back at him with furrowed eyebrows.

“Your roommate seems like a nice guy.  He let me have some cereal.  I don’t usually do carbs in the morning but after last night I’m starved.  Do you want some?”

“No, I’m fine,” Spencer said before sitting up in bed.  Even though the answer was obvious Spencer felt like asking the question, “Were you out there naked?”

“Yeah, I didn’t know you had a roommate,” Aden said.

“He’s more like a guest.  Though he does pay rent, but it’s more like a temporary thing I guess.  It’s a long story.”

“No problem, he’s cute.”

Spencer thought about Josh in the early mornings, sometimes he walked around in a pair of boxers and once a pair of briefs.  He smiled at the thought.

“What?”

“Nothing, just get back in bed,” Spencer said.

Aden put another spoonful in his mouth before setting the bowl down and walking to the bed where he got in on his knees, moved to Spencer.  They kissed.  They groped.  But then Spencer had second thoughts.

“My roommate,” he said.

“Don’t worry about,” Aden replied.  “Unless you want him to join us.”

“Don’t be silly,” Spencer said.  “Let’s wait until he goes jogging.”

“I can’t,” Aden said.  “We’ll just be quiet.”

Spencer rolled over onto his chest, readied himself to bite into the pillow.

*****

Hours later at work Spencer checked his cell phone for messages but there were no replies from Aden.  He thought about sending another text but stopped himself and put the phone in his desk drawer, then turned to his computer and tried to focus on work.  It was a long day, but no messages from Aden until he was headed out of his office.

<Sorry been busy at gym. personal training with clients> - Aden

<No problem> - Spencer

<We should hang out some time. Maybe do some training or go on a date. How about tomorrow?> - Aden

Spencer looked at the message, read it through several times.  Don’t get too excited, he told himself, don’t expect too much.

Ch 33 Johnny Law

Spencer drove.  Chad was in the passenger seat with a printout of directions.  The backseat of the car was full of supplies for the picnic.

“You’re wife does know you’re going to the beach with a bunch of gay guys right?”

“She encouraged it,” Chad replied.

“Who’s this guy you told me about?”

“His name is Aden.  He’s a bar-back and sometimes a shot-boy like me.  He’s nice.”

“Firm ass?”

Chad raised an eyebrow.

“I’m just asking.  You said he had a nice body.”

“I just meant it’s weird he doesn’t like to take his shirt off is all.”

Spencer nodded but kept a serious face.

“Do you think I’m gay?”

“Bisexual,” Spencer said.

Chad sighed before looking away out the window.  His body tensed.

“Hey look, I’m sorry,” Spencer said.  “I was just kidding you.  It’s really none of my business.”

“I know.  It’s just that I used to get that sometimes, especially from the other guys on the force.  They said I was light in my loafers and they used to joke about the way I sat.”

“I’m sorry, really,” Spencer replied.

Chad let out a nervous laugh before turning up the volume of the stereo.  They drove the rest of the way barely speaking to each other except about directions.  When they got to the lake they found that parking was easy and that several men were all ready there.  The picnic was larger than either of them had believed it would be.  Spencer suddenly felt bad for his friend even though didn’t seem bothered.

“Before we unpack maybe we should go say hello.  Make sure we’re at the right place,” Spencer said.

“Okay,” Chad replied.

They walked from the car to the group.  It was mostly made of men, but there were a few women though they seemed to easily fit into a pairs.  Most of the men were shirtless, several of them had tattoos, most all of them were hairless and muscled.  As Spencer and Chad approached they began to get looks as if they were trespassers and for a moment they looked to each other, but then Chad caught sight of someone and called out his name, Ron, who broke from the crowd and made his way to them.

He was handsome and effeminate, with a mischievous grin.  He introduced himself to Spencer, then moved to Chad and took hold of his arm.  It was a familiar touch that didn’t bother Chad though Spencer felt uncomfortable for his friend.

“I see you guys are wearing swim trunks but I don’t see any towels.  Will we be going into the water today?”

“If you are,” Chad said.

“Oh honey, I don’t know if I have the stamina for it.  I haven’t eaten a thing all day to keep up my form so I look good shirtless.”

“Well, I’ll only go in if you do,” Chad said.

Spencer thought for a moment he was the one being challenged but then thought about Ron as he held onto Chad’s elbow.

“Always talking me into things,” Ron said.  “I will if you will.  How about your friend?”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Spencer said.

“For a straight boy Chad here is quite a hit down at the bar.  We’re trying to get him to be a dancer at the Unicorn,” Ron said.  “We even have a stage name for him.”

“What is it?” Spencer asked.

“Johnny Law,” Ron answered.

Spencer let out a little laugh and looked to Chad who blushed and smiled.  He felt compelled to add to the joke even though he felt bad for his friend.  He tried to ignore the impulse and think of something else but it was right there on his tongue.  He had thought about it so clearly that it just needed to be said.

“Either that or Night Stick,” Spencer added.

Ron and Chad both laughed.

“You’re a funny one.  Look, I know you’re a stranger here but I can introduce you to some of the boys.  Do you like them rough or like them nice?”

“Actually, I was going to introduce him to Aden.  I thought they’d get along.”

Ron looked to Spencer, from head to toe, then back up.  He had a judgmental face and Spencer felt like a cut of beef that was being evaluated by a butcher.  It wasn’t an unfamiliar evaluation, one that he had done many, many times, but there in front of Chad, at the lake, and with so many strangers, it felt awkward.

“Too bad you didn’t think about me,” Ron said.

“That’s because I want you all to myself,” Chad said.

“Oh, you’re a terrible flirt.  You straight boys always leading us on like that, but it does make me feel good.”  Ron let go of Chad’s arm, moved to usher them towards the crowd.  “Aden and some of the boys from the bar are on the other side of this meat market.”

They followed after him through the crowd.  Spencer looked around at the other guys.  He noted a few with chains around their necks and piercings.  If Aden was a bust then there were still others.  The crowd thinned as they got closer to the beach.  There were only a few men and a woman in the water who seemed to be there just to swim.

“I don’t see him,” Chad said.

Spencer felt defeated for a moment.  There was no treasure at the end of the trail.  He thought about going back for a beer when Ron made a noise.

“There he is in the water.  Yoo-hoo Aden, over here,” he called out.

Spencer looked to Ron, then looked out into the lake where he saw a head just above the water.  The man was handsome, if only by his head, which began to move closer.  Spencer watched as broad shoulders, muscled arms, flat pectorals, a defined abdomen, a narrow waist, a small swimsuit, a swimmer’s brief, strong thighs, and finally two bare feet emerged from the water.  For someone who is supposed to be shy he doesn’t seem to swim in much, he thought.

“Come here Aden we want you to meet someone,” Ron said.

Spencer felt as if his own body fell to the ground and he was just a head floating there, a head and a heart.  Aden got closer.  Spencer felt his body as if it were slowly rebuilding itself until he had to accept that it was the same, familiar form it had always been, and not one he felt comfortable showing, but he held out his hand anyway, and Aden took it. 

Despite having been swimming it was remarkably firm and warm.  Spencer felt the hairs on his arm and the back of his neck raise up.  It felt as if a current had traveled through his body.

“I’m Aden.”

When Spencer didn’t speak Chad spoke up for him.

“This is Spencer.  He’s not normally this quiet,” he said.

Ch. 29 Prospects

Going to a gay bar with Chad was still uncomfortable for Spencer, especially because he was cute and because he got most of the attention which didn’t seem to bother him.  It was the muscled build and the close cut hair, Spencer told himself.

“So how are things with your roommate?”

“That was a total disaster.  I kind of freaked out on him and he didn’t deserve it and I apologized to him but it doesn’t feel the same.”

“Is he still living there?”

“Yeah, but we don’t talk much.  It’s kind of this awkward silence.  I keep thinking I have something to say to him, you know, but it won’t come out right.  I think it’s over.  It’s like a Cold War and we’re just going to have to part ways.”

“Do you still like him?”

“Yeah,” Spencer said.

“Then you should give it another chance,” Chad said.

“How do I do that?”

Chad took a sip from his drink. 

“You should apologize again,” Chad said.  “But mean it this time.”

“Hey, I meant it last time.”

Chad rolled his eyes and sat back.  He crossed his arms and looked away.

“What?  You don’t think so?”

“I think you said what needed to be said but I don’t think it was a really, sincere apology.  Sometimes you have to apologize more than once.  My wife and I both have been there with each other.  When you can apologize the second time then it’s real.”

“But he doesn’t even want a relationship with me.  He wants to go back to that, that asshole, that monster and it’s like, so frustrating, I can’t even stand it.  Who does that?”

Chad shook his head.

“We are all in unequal power relationships all of our lives, sometimes we mistake abuse for love, at least he has another option and you are giving him that.  Some people have no resources, hey, at least he stayed.”

“I think that had more to do with Triston than me,” Spencer said.

“But it gave you another chance.  I’m not saying he’ll accept your apology or that you will end up happily ever after.  I’m just saying you should be a man and do it.”

“And when was the last time you apologized twice?” Spencer asked.

“When I lost my job,” Chad answered.  “I said it that day and I said it just a few days ago because I can’t find work.”

“Nothing?”

“That I want to do.  My best option right now is security.  I go from being a protector of people to being a protector of stuff.”

“There’s always gay porn,” Spencer said.

“The money isn’t regular enough and besides I want to run for public office some day,” Chad said.

“Really?”

“No,” Chad said.

“You wouldn’t have to take it up the ass,” Spencer joked.

“It’s not my style,” Chad said.  “I didn’t really like it.  You gay guys are tough.”

Spencer stopped himself from spitting out his drink.  He swallowed.

“Uh?”

“It happened once.  Okay, technically twice, but the first time was a surprise and the second time was, well, more voluntary but it didn’t feel good.”

“Uh,” Spencer said.

“The prostate is one thing but having something inside you is too much, well for me it is,” Chad said.

“No uh, I can understand that,” Spencer said.

“Really?”

“We’re not all like obsessed with it.  Some of us like it and some of us don’t.”

Chad nodded.  They looked at each other awkwardly before looking away and letting out nervous laughter.

“Is that true what you just told me?”

“Completely, but let’s never talk about it again.  And if you tell anyone I’ll deny it.”

“So guys don’t do it for you?  You aren’t, like, bisexual?”

“Sorry no,” Chad said.

“But you’re comfortable in your sexuality?  What about a job here?”

“What?”

“Yeah, gay bars hire anyone as long as they’re cute.  You’d make good tips, especially if the guys can’t have you.”

“Come on,” Chad said.  “I worked as a bartender once but that was mostly dealing with beer.”

“You’re not doing anything else,” Spencer said.

“It would be easy.  I could work part-time and go back to school and finish my bachelor’s degree.”

“See, that’s what I’m talking about.  Come with me, I kind of know the owner.”


“What?  No, not really, I couldn’t.”

“Come on,” Spencer said before standing. 

He moved to Chad’s side and began to pull at his arm playfully before Chad got up and began to walk with him.  They made their way through the bar towards the back and the manager’s office.

Ch 27 Wet Underwear

The Unicorn was crowded.  Everyone was there for the wet underwear contest.  Sitting at a table in the front of the audience was Spencer, Triston, Vincent, and Josh.  Vincent and Triston sat next to each other with their fingers intertwined, across from them was Spencer and Josh a foot apart.  Spencer had his arms crossed.  Josh looked away in boredom. 

“I can’t believe they’re going to do it.  Doesn’t this feel wrong?” Spencer asked.

“It’s just a contest,” Triston replied.  He turned to the table.  “Besides, Bobby is a dancer here.  It’s no big deal for him.”

“It still feels wrong.  I mean I avoid the place when I know he’s working.”

“You’ve seen him naked plenty of times,” Triston said.

“Yeah but this different,” Spencer replied.

His concern, their conversation, got the attention of Vincent and Josh who both leaned in to the table.

“Think of it like a dance contest.”

“This isn’t the ballet.  Walter and Bobby are going to be grinding on each other.”

“What are they doing?” Vincent asked.

“Yeah, what are they doing?” Josh asked.

“It’s a dance routine.  It’s from these two movies from the Philippines, Macho Dancer and um... what’s the other one?”

“Midnight Dancers,” Spencer said.

“I’ve never seen them,” Vincent said.

Josh shook his head.

“These Philippine guys dance with each other, some of them are supposed to be straight, but they have this whole routine where they use water and soap and pour it on each other as they stand in this tub.  Usually they wear white briefs but sometimes they’re naked.”

“White briefs?” Josh asked.  “Give me a pair of Andrew Christian, that would be hot.”

“Andrew Christian is the black panties of gay men.  You only wear them when you want to get laid.”

“No way, they’re an everyday thing.  Why wouldn’t you want to feel sexy?”

“I don’t know if I could focus on anything,” Vincent said.

“My everyday wear has to be more ordinary,” Spencer said.

Triston was about to add his opinion when he saw Darrell stepping to their table still dressed in his work clothes.  He watched as the man sat heavily in his chair and leaned onto the table and decided to try and distract him.

“We need you to settle an argument.  Spencer here is saying that Andrew Christian underwear is the black panties of gay men's fashion whereas Josh believes they can be an everyday item.”

“Not everyday,” Darrell replied.  “They’re too form fitting for that.”

“See, that’s what I was thinking,” Vincent replied.

“I wouldn’t want to think about working at my office wearing them,” Spencer said.

“Okay, if Andrew Christian is the black panties then white briefs are definitely the grannie panty.  They have form, they have function, and they have utility,”  Josh said.

“You just think that because your generation is obsessed with boxers which are the most nonsexual of all undergarments.  They’re flat, generally shapeless, and most common thing for actors on TV who don’t want to show a little.”

“Okay, the jock is definitely a Friday night kind of wear but the regular ones...  white briefs are cheap and only to be worn under clothes, not to be seen in the light of day.”

The rest of the group looked to Josh who raised his eyebrows as he sipped from his beer.  They laughed and turned away, looked up to the stage.  Some of the tension between them was broken and when the host, a tall drag queen in a blue sparkled dress, stepped onto the stage they were focused on something else.

“All right everyone, welcome to the Unicorn’s fifth annual wet underwear contest, now just remember no cameras, security will be standing by to help anyone who uses one.  They’ll show you how to use the delete button and then kick your ass to the curb.”

The crowd booed.

“It’s not my policy.  It’s just some of the amateur dancers are a little shy and don’t want their faces out there while showing their goods.  But I’d show you everything and we can take all the pictures you want, just see me after the show.”

The crowd laughed.

One by one the host introduced each of the contestants who stepped on stage in a pair of briefs, different brands and different colors except Walter and Bobby who stood in identical white Calvin Klein briefs.  Their bodies were very different.  Bobby was muscled and Walter was skinny, though slightly athletic.

The host moved them through the paces, eventually each pair danced together until it got to Bobby and Walter who carried out a metal tub and several pitchers of water.  The dance music started to play and they moved to each other still nervous to be seen, to touch each other, especially in front of a crowd, but they were committed.

They became comfortable with each other as they danced chest to chest, grabbed hold of each other.  They had practiced wearing exercise clothes.  Bobby turned Walter and moved him the tub where they stepped inside.  Bobby picked up the pitcher of water and began to slowly pour it over Walter’s chest.  The crowd cheered.  Spencer whistled.

They were grinding on each other for a long moment before they switched places.  Bobby was almost completely dry.  Walter poured the water along his chest and shoulders causing it to highlight the definition of his muscles.  The crowd went wild.  Walter scooped up more and poured it over Bobby’s chest, down his abs, and over his briefs that once wet clung to the young man’s form and became translucent.

Bobby turned and they nuzzled with each other as they continued to dance.  Spencer, Triston, Vincent, and Josh were on their feet with the rest of the crowd who cheered and yelled, whistled and screamed. 

Spencer moved to Josh and whispered in his ear, “What do you think now?  Still think they shouldn’t be seen in the light of day?”

Ch 26 Tattoos and Scars

Triston sat at the sales counter for his job quietly staring into a cup of coffee as he thought about his two friends Spencer and Josh.  They had each related to him their accounts for their argument at different times.

Spencer:
“Look I know what I did was wrong and I apologized for it but I’m just so tired of guys like him thinking I’m not their type.  It’s the classic thing right?  Nice guys finish last.  Well, I’m a nice guy, most of the time, and it’s not fair.  I mean I did all of that for him.  I let him move into my apartment.  You know how much I hate sharing an apartment with someone and then I take him to the group session and practically hold his hand to get him there and I was there for him afterwards.  I’m not saying I deserve something like sex or a relationship but it wasn’t easy.  And I thought we had this connection.  I thought, you know, we were getting close.”

Josh:
“Look he took me in and everything and I’m used to having arguments with people, he just kind of surprised me by professing his love one moment and then snapping on me the next whenever I start talking about my ex.  What kind of person does that?  I love you and now I hate you.  He apologized and I told him I forgave him but I don’t know.  I didn’t think he’d use it against me like that.  He said some really mean things.”

He picked up his coffee and took a sip before putting it down and walking away from the counter and through the store looking for something to do, but the floors were clean, everything was arranged properly.  He made his way to the back room where Cheryl sat at her desk writing out her presentation.  He leaned against the doorway.

“What’s the problem?” she asked.

“I don’t know why I keep thinking about it,” Triston said.

“Do you want to be any more vague?”

“My two friends, you know Spencer and this new guys Josh.  One fell for the other but it’s not reciprocal and now it’s become a problem.  Why do people have to be so worried about long term commitment or the perfect relationship? 

“Look, I’m not saying they use each other but what’s wrong with them each getting something out of it?  I mean what if they only date for a few months, maybe  year, and they both become better people for having known each other but then they separate and go their own way.”

She stared at him for a moment as she organized her thoughts.  Her silence made him uncomfortable.

“Life doesn’t work that way honey.  Each relationship is like having a tattoo or a scar, some are beautiful and some you regret.”

Ch 25 The Journey

Was love at first sight possible?  How different would he feel tomorrow?

Triston looked his new friend Vincent in the eye as they sat at the bar having a post orgasm drink.  They had met hours before at a dinner party, fooled around in the bedroom against the back of the door, and finally made it to the bar for some kind of celebration. 

He often thought that dating was like two particles of an opposite charge trying to find each other in a crowded field.  Each particle was pulled in different directions and yet when they got close enough there was something between them.  He had felt it before, had many good relationships out of that attraction, some became friends, others he might not see again, but when there is a bond it is hard to deny. 

It wasn’t just that Vincent was handsome because he was.  It wasn’t just that they were about the same age or that Vincent seemed to have a good job, dress well, and had an easy confidence.  It wasn’t just the warmth of his hands or the size of his dick. 

Just being apart a few feet to use the restroom, entertain a friend in another room, or when they were leaving felt wrong.  They had so much in common.  Vincent wasn’t like anyone else.  He wasn’t like Walter who had decided he needed to explore on his own.  Triston had thought that relationship was doomed from the start.  Not doomed, but finite, as if it only had one meaning.  He was there to help Walter experiment and find comfort, to be accepted, and it was time for them both to move on to something, someone, else.

“We’ve been having such a good time but there’s something I have to tell you.  I don’t want to ruin this.”

The words stole the breath from Triston’s lungs and he had to close his eyes for a moment to focus on the present without imagining the future.  He had an immediate suspicion about what was going to be said.  There was only one thing to be said when two men were about to be more intimate.

“I have AIDS,” Vincent said.

“That’s okay,” Triston replied.

“You’re not afraid of me?”

“Afraid of you? No,” Triston said with a shake of his head.

Vincent looked at him trying to figure out some tell, some way to know he was lying.

“I’m not afraid of you.  I’m afraid of the disease.  I’m afraid of catching it depending on what we do but there’s protection for that.  I’m afraid of getting it, having it.”  Triston took a deep breath.  “I’m afraid that it will make you sick.  I’m afraid that you will die young, before I’m ready to let you go.  I’m afraid I’ll get old without you.” 

“We barely know each other,” Vincent said.

“I feel like I’ve known you before, maybe in a previous life.”

“You’re kind of a hippie aren’t you?”

“I’d like to think I’m okay with uncertainty.  I’m a pragmatist.”

“Well, we have have one thing in common.”

“I’ve dated guys with it before, it’s not easy but we had a lot of fun.”

“But you don’t have it?”

Triston shook his head.

“Do you want to go back to my place then?”

Triston touched the side of Vincent’s head, ran his fingers around his ear and through his hair to his jawline where he grazed the bone and pulled him into a kiss.  He got to his feet and grabbed hold of Vincent’s side, felt the warmth of him.  Their tongues tickled each other until he felt too many people were staring in their direction.  They were in a straight bar after all.  It didn’t matter at the time they entered because they were there for a drink.  They pulled apart. 

Everyone looked away, including the bartender.  Triston took hold of Vincent’s hand and pulled him from the barstool to his feet.  Hand in hand they walked from the bar and out into the rain and back to Vincent’s car.

He tried to not think of the goal as a measure of success even though it felt like it should be.  He blamed his typical American upbringing for that.  No, to keep living he always tried to put it in different terms and reframe the narrative.  To only think of the goal was being dismissive of everything he experienced to get there.

Ch 24 - Reversed Polarity

Spencer stood with the freezer door open dressed in his workout clothes after following a yoga video in the living room.  He had been in the cool down period when Josh came home.  Josh was at the counter opening a take out container.

“Oh my god that smells so good,” Spencer said.

“Want some?”

“Oh you temptress, I really want to but I can’t.  Friday is my cheat day.  I have to lose a few pounds.”

“You look great,” Josh said.

“I look a mess,” Spencer said.

Josh turned to him, crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter.  There was something on his mind.  Spencer took out a fruit juice bar and closed the door.  He partially unwrapped the bar and began to suck on the end.

“I uh, talked to Paul today,” Josh said.

“What did that asshole want?” Spencer asked. 

He suddenly regretted his word usage.  Asshole was something he had been thinking in his head for a long time but never actually verbalized.  Now that he said it the word felt appropriate for Paul and yet he didn’t know how Josh would react.

“He’s different,” Josh said.  “He’s taking anger management classes and going to A.A.  He’s even talking about seeing a couple’s therapist.”

“Couple, like the two of you?”

“What?”

“It’s just, I thought it was over,” Spencer replied.

Josh picked up his food and walked out of the kitchen to the living room where he sat on the couch.  Spencer followed him despite his fear of dripping the juice bar on the carpet or worse the couch.  He sat next to Josh and looked to the food, watched Josh put some in his mouth and begin to chew. 

“It is over right?” Spencer asked.

“It is, well mostly, I mean when it was good it was really good.  There were things in his life that I didn’t know about and work was too stressful, but all of that is changing.”

Spencer couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“What?” Josh asked.

“You sound like an after school special.  You sound like a Lifetime movie.  And this where I’m supposed to try and talk you out of it.  This is where I beg and plead and I tell you how great you are, then you go and do something stupid, maybe it ends up okay but most likely it doesn’t, and I might be the one who helps you again or I might be the one who identifies your corpse.”

The last word stung both of them after he said it and he paused.  He waited to catch his breath, steady his breathing, and re-frame his thoughts before he said something else, something more cruel.  There were so many things he wanted to say. 

“I want you to be happy.  I want you to get what you want and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want something else out of this.”

“You don’t even need a roommate,” Josh said.

Spencer was stunned by the true but inaccurate thought.  Could he not see?  Did he not feel the same?  Would he ever feel the same?  He had to say something.  It could all be over tomorrow like so many things.  He knew there was more regret in not speaking or acting than doing it.

“It’s not that.  I’m afraid for you on a human level but also as a friend, because I care about you, and it scares me to say this but I want you to stay in my life.  I want you to be part of my life.”

“As friends?”

Spencer reached across the couch to where Josh’s hand lay on his knee and took it.  He grasped his fingers, pulled at them until he could hold his entire hand.  Josh began to pull away but Spencer held him for a moment before letting go.

“I’m not ready for this,” Josh said.

“But you’d go back to him?”

“It’s different,” Josh said.  “We had something.  It wasn’t always like that.  We complimented each other.”

“But then what?  He started hitting you and humiliating you?  He belittled you.  You feared him.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“It is easy,” Spencer said.  “What’s the real reason?  Are you afraid it might not work out between us?”

“Yes,” Josh said.  “We’ve never really.  I mean you’re cute but--”


“--I’m not your type,” Spencer said.  “You like them dangerous.”

Josh dropped his fork in his food and stood.  He looked down to Spencer.  There was anger in his eyes and something else.  He walked the long way around the coffee table to his bedroom but wasn’t in there long before he got his coat and left the apartment with a slam of the door.

Spencer reclined against the couch.  He felt a pain in his stomach.  He wanted to vomit.  He wanted to yell. 

Did he want someone who didn’t want him back?  He was cute but?  Did he just force Josh back into Paul’s clutches?  What did he do?  He wanted to call Josh or maybe chase after him but there was something else in his eyes besides anger. 

He thought about it for a moment before he realized he could verbalize the feeling.

“I’m scared too,” Spencer said.

Ch 22 - One of Many

Just hearing the name of the group caused Josh to tense up, LGBT Survivors of Domestic Abuse.  It meant, it defined, some part of his life that he wanted to avoid.  He didn’t want to feel anything about that.  He wanted it to be over.  His body healed.  He had moved out.  He was starting over.  And yet it ran through him deep like a sword had been cut down through his body, seeing the sign made him feel from his brain down to his gut.  If he went inside he would be... it would define...

He wanted to run away.  He wanted to find comfort some other place and yet he stopped himself because of his friend, his roommate, who was standing only a few feet away ready to go into his own meeting, LGBT Partners of Survivors of Domestic Abuse.  Even though he wasn’t actually his partner, he had volunteered to go.

They would part ways, listen, maybe even talk, and then it would be over and they could walk away together, go out to dinner, but most likely go home.  God he wanted to go home.  They had taken to marathons of Queer as Folk and eating ice cream just about every other weekday evening.  It had become some bonding time and it was nice to be with another man, intimate but not sexual or physical, just to have someone there.

He took a deep breath, wiped his hands on his jeans, and entered the room.  Simon watched him as if he were sending a child off to school before he went to his own door, his own room where he thought about the lies he might have to tell, but it wasn’t difficult imagining being in a relationship with Josh.  Sometimes he imagined going on vacation, sometimes being in bed in the morning.

Josh found a chair in the circle where people had already begun to sit.  Some talked to each other, some got coffee or a cup of water.  He thought get himself something to drink but his feet wouldn’t move.  They were stuck to the floor, his knees were locked, so he let himself be as everyone else found their place and then the group leader began.  He zoned out as the man began to talk, introduction, expectation, group dynamics, retraumatization, and PTSD.  He logged everything somewhere in his brain for use later until the circle was opened for discussion.

He shifted on his seat.  He put his hands in his pockets.  And he waited.  It wasn’t long for someone to speak up but as soon as the person started talking he felt unable to concentrate.  His courage left him and he was struggling to breath.  He closed his eyes.  He was in a room with people and it felt like his skin was being ripped away.  He felt vulnerable and raw.  If someone touched him he thought he was going to cry, at least flinch and run away.  He wanted to leave but their judgement stopped him.  He inhaled deeply and held it. 

Release, then do it again, he told himself.  Eventually he felt himself relaxing.  His heart slowed, his pulse slowed, one after the other until he could open his eyes and look around at the other people, most of whom avoided eye contact, only a few smiled back at him.  He felt relaxed as he thought of Simon in the other room probably going through the same thing.  He thought about being with Simon afterwards and sharing. 

Just like that he felt better and he slipped his hands from his pockets and laid them on his thighs.  Time slowed as more people spoke.  It wasn’t boring.  It was significant.  They shared their thoughts and feelings.  They shared their stories.  And just when he thought about speaking and introducing himself it was over. 

The group leader announced the end of the meeting.  Everyone began to move their chair to the wall and he did the same but after he had placed it there he moved to avoid anyone else until he was in the hallway and then he was looking for Simon who was emerging from his own room.  They moved to each other.

“Hey, are you okay?” Simon asked.

“Fine,” Josh said.  “Why?”


“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Simon said.

“Really?  No, I feel okay.  Really, I do.  I’m fine.”

“Did you want to go out or go home?”

“Go home,” Josh said.

“I’ll order when we’re close.  I’m starved.  How about you?”

“Desperately,” Josh said.

The drive back was easy.  Simon parked in his usual spot and they walked back to his apartment without speaking.  Inside Josh spotted the clock on the wall.  It had only been an hour and half of his time and yet it felt like something else.  He laughed to himself and shook his head. 

How could something so brief feel so immense when he didn't really do anything?

Ch 19 - Hating Home

Dinner was easy even if they didn’t talk much.  They felt comfortable with each other not saying anything.  They had a few drinks with the meal, walked home, and saw the vodka still on the coffee table so Spencer invited him for a drink.

“I shouldn’t but I really want to,” Josh said.

“A small one,” Spencer said.

They went into the living room and sat.  Spencer poured a drink for each of them, Josh’s first then his own, set down the bottle and picked up his glass.  They clinked them together before touching the glass to their lips.  Josh downed his in gulp and Spencer sipped a little, set it down.

“One thing,” Spencer said.

“What?”

“It’s not for shots.  This is sipping.  It’s top shelf.”

“Really?” Josh asked.

“Here try another one but drink it more slowly this time,” Spencer said.

Spencer poured him another drink and Josh raised it again, they clinked glasses, but this time Josh sipped at the vodka.

“That’s pretty good,” Josh said.

“Thanks,” Spencer said.

“My boyfriend, Paul, likes this kind of stuff.  God, I guess I shouldn’t be calling him my boyfriend, although it’s not official.”

“You moved out,” Spencer said.

“I guess,” Josh said.

“Did you say anything to him?”

“I left him a note,” Josh said.  “It was tough.  We’ve been together over two years.”

Spencer didn’t say anything.  He wanted to say the relationship was over when his boyfriend hit him.  He wanted to say it was over when he moved out.  He wanted to say it was dead and couldn’t be repaired.  He sat back against the sofa, his glass on his thigh he let himself relax.

Josh set his glass on the coffee table and began to run his finger along the lip of the glass.

“I didn’t want to do it.  I feel bad.  I feel like I should have said something but I also kind of feel like both of us knew it was over.  It’s tearing me apart but I shouldn’t hate to go home,” he said.

“You don’t have to,” Spencer said.

It’s easy, he thought, you can be anything you want to be, go anywhere you want to go, and all those lies we tell each other but really a person’s life is small, their group of friends is small, their family... did he have a family?  Were they for him after he came out?

“He’s not a bad guy.  It’s as much my fault as it is his.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because it’s dumb but we’d challenge each other, say stupid things, and you know how there’s some things you know you shouldn’t say but you do it anyways.  I’ve done it.  I’ve said those stupid things.”

“But did you attack him?  Did you actually start the violence?”

Josh clenched his jaw at the thought, at the insinuation.  They had wrestled, struggled, but no he had never hit Paul first, but he did set him off sometimes.  And at first it had been just some small accident but each time the boundary got thinner.  It was some mixture of discipline and humiliation.

“I didn’t start it.  Sometimes I’d hit him back, at first anyway, but then even that got out of control.  I knew he’d win.  I knew he had it in him.  I always restrained myself.”

He thought about when he’d hit Paul back and Paul would return with more force, more intensity.  He thought about the look in the man’s eyes.  He felt like crying but stopped himself.  He didn’t want to show weakness over the man, not here, and not now.

“Hey Josh, you don’t have to go anywhere.  You don’t have to go back.  The pot was a little thing, I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but you still owe me one, brand new, no thrift store one with scratches in it.”

Josh let out a nervous laugh.  He downed his drink and set the glass down.  He felt tired and drunk.  He sat back against the sofa.

“I should get up and go finish my workout,” Josh said.

“Why don’t you stay here and watch some television?” Spencer asked.

“That sounds so much better,” Josh said.  He kicked off his shoes and put his socked feet on the coffee table next to the bottle.

Spencer looked to the socked feet.  It was a minor annoyance.  He’d say something later.  He downed his drink, put the glass on the table, and picked up the remote.  He turned on the television and they were both illuminated by the images there.  He looked to Josh.  There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to do. 

Was he a wounded puppy?  Was he being too protective?  What was it like to be in a relationship with someone with that kind of past?  But his thoughts were silenced by the alcohol and the sound of the television as he looked up to the screen.

Ch 18 - Minor Things and Deadly Poisons

Before he had a roommate Spencer could expect things to be exactly how he left them when he returned home, the few times he left dishes in the sink at least he knew they were his but living with Josh was different.  Josh was absent minded, though well intentioned, but he forgot things.  Usually it was small things like his phone or his keys, sometimes a pair of scissors or a knife, once a pizza he left in the oven too long though luckily they were both home at the time.

The worst of it was the pot of water he left on the stove top.  Spencer opened the front door of his apartment to an awful smell.  “What the hell?” he said aloud as he entered, conscientious to leave the door open he went into the kitchen where he saw the pot was empty, the bottom and sides had turned white.  He turned off the electric coil and moved the pot.  He let out a grunt of frustration before he looked down the hallway to the closed door of Josh’s room.  He started to walk but thought of a better idea so he retrieved the pot and went to his new roommate’s door.  He knocked as calmly as he could bare.

“Hello?” Josh said from the other side of the door.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah sure,” Josh said.

Spencer opened the door and looked into the room to see Josh on the floor in the middle of doing sit ups.  He was shirtless and his exercise shorts were bunched down around his thighs.  He looked to the young man’s muscled chest and then up to his eyes.  He had seen his friends, many other men naked, in bed, during sex and the locker room but there was still something about him there, real and touchable.  He fought the urge to panic but he realized he wasn’t saying anything at all.  He thought about the dishes in the sink, about the mess on the coffee table.

“What’s up?” Josh asked.

Spencer held up the pot so Josh could see the insides.

“Oh crap,” Josh said, “is it bad?”

“It’s ruined,” Spencer said.

“What’s that smell?”

Spencer turned the pot in his hand.

“Really?” Josh asked.

“Poisonous too,” Spencer said.  “It could have killed you.”

“Really?”

“Maybe, I don’t know.  It supposedly can kill birds.  That doesn’t matter.  We need to talk.”

“Yeah sure,” Josh said.  He began to get to his feet and Spencer turned around and walked back to the entrance where he closed the main door, returned the pot to the stove, and got a bottle of vodka and two glasses that he carried into the living room.

Moments later Josh walked into the living room wearing a sleeveless shirt and nervously biting his lip.  Spencer invited him to sit down on the sofa.

How could we be so different, Spencer asked himself, but then he looked to the young man’s hands, his forearms that were muscled, hard and veiny.  While I was inside on my computer he was out doing something, skateboarding, running, or playing football. 

If they started to talk about sports, but more importantly teams and players Spencer knew he’d be lost and Josh would have the upper hand.  He smiled at Josh who seemed equally anxious, maybe more.

Josh looked as if expected Spencer to strike him, hit him in some way, maybe a slap.  Was that it?  Some regular pattern of hitting the young man, yelling at him maybe, humiliating him maybe that caused him to flinch, to dread being near his boyfriend.

“You owe me a pot,” Spencer said.

“Okay,” Josh said.  He reached down to his socks and pulled at them, ran his fingers up to his shorts, pulled at them.

“I’m not mad, not really, kind of annoyed,” Spencer said.  “I’m pretty sure one of us could have been killed by it.”

“I wasn’t thinking.  I just got into my routine.  I’ll pay for a new pot.”

“Good,” Spencer said.  “But uh, I think we should let the place air out.  Would you want to join me for some dinner?”

 “Yeah, that would be great, let me put some clothes on,” Josh said.

Josh got up and walked back to his room.  Spencer heard the door close and he slapped his own forehead.  The dishes, the mess, he told himself, when he comes out, when he’s got some clothes on then I’ll say something to him over dinner.

Ch 17 - Domestic Abuse

Early Saturday morning, Spencer, Triston, Bobby, Darrell, and Walter sat quietly in the diner booth looking at the food that had just been delivered.  Bobby had been graphically describing his new boyfriend’s genitals when he spotted the waitress headed their way and stopped.  There was no one else nearby and at first he had waited for her to leave but then they fell into silence as they looked over their food.  It was recovery food for everyone except Darrell who hadn’t been drinking. 

“What were we talking about?” Darrell asked.

“My boyfriend’s balls,” Bobby said.

“So he’s an athlete?” Spencer asked.

Each of them laughed a little.  There was a lull in the conversation, in movement, but finally Walter picked up his fork and stabbed it into the chili cheese fries he had ordered.

“Somehow it doesn’t look as good as it sounded,” Walter said.

“Do you want my pancakes?” Bobby offered.  “I shouldn’t have ordered so many carbs.”

“Still trying to keep that six-pack?” Triston asked.

“I’m going for an eight,” Bobby said.  “He loves to play with them.”

“I’m not this hungry,” Spencer said.

They looked around at each other.  Triston leaned on the table with his elbow and scratched at his scalp, clearly irritated.

“What’s wrong?  We can get it to go.  Maybe give it to a homeless person,” Spencer said.

“Nothing, it’s just I have this friend and he’s trying to get out of an abusive relationship,” Triston said.

“Damn,” Spencer said.

“And he’s gay?” Walter asked.

“Yeah,” Triston said.

“Really?”

“Yes, really, he’s gay. Gay people can be in abusive relationships,”


Walter looked around at the other men.  It was something that had never occurred to him.  Being gay was hard enough, getting into a relationship was supposed to be the reward.  But abusive?

“You did know that it can happen right?” Darrell asked.

Walter nodded.

“Really?” Bobby asked.

“No,” Walter said before letting out a nervous laugh.  “I mean, I didn’t think. That’s messed up.”

“Who?”

“You guys haven’t met him. I know him from the store. He’s a really nice guy.”

“How can we help?” Darrell asked.

“Well, he needs a place to stay,” Triston said.

“He can stay with us,” Darrell said, “on the couch.”

“It would be crowded,” Bobby said.

“We could manage,” Darrell said.

“He can stay with me, at my place,” Spencer said.

They all looked to him.  Spencer had been living alone longer than they had been friends.  He bragged about having his own dorm room in college.  The few nights, the few mornings he spent with them was an act of convenience, some act of desperation. 

“Really,” Spencer said.  “And I promise I won’t creep him out.”

They stared.

“Too much,” he said, “I promise I’ll wear my underwear in the morning.”

“That’s more than you do for us,” Triston said.

It was an agreement Spencer felt proud about as they went to bed, when they woke up, and even when Triston called the man in question.  They agreed that Triston would bring him to Spencer’s apartment that evening. 

Spencer went home hours earlier than normal to clean up.  He made sure the last load of dishes was in the dishwasher, his bed was made, the coffee table orderly, the bathroom was scrubbed, and there was nothing embarrassing under any of the furniture in his living room.  He was ready fifteen minutes before they were supposed to meet.  When he got the text message from Triston saying they were running late he rubbed the palms of his hands on his jeans nervously before pouring himself a drink, then feeling self-conscious he downed it, washed out the glass, and returned everything to normal before he went into the living room and sat on his couch.

A little while later there was a knock on the door and he got to his feet, double checked everything mentally before he opened the door to find Triston in the hallway with a backpack standing next to a handsome young man carrying a duffel bag.

“Hey Spence,” Triston said.

“Hey,” Spencer said.

“I’m Josh,” the young man said offering his hand.

They shook hands and Spencer invited them inside, directed them to set the bags down against the wall before they went into the living room to sit.  Spencer had expected him to look wounded, to have a black eye, busted lip, or maybe a visible scar but he didn’t.  Josh was handsome, young, and masculine.  He moved with a prepared, self-conscious effort.  There was something naive, even innocent about him.  It was hard to believe someone could mistreat him, abuse him. 

They talked for an hour about life, the world, and their jobs in a circular introduction.  Josh was quick to ask either of them a question and listen to the response.  Spencer and Triston felt comfortable with each other, joked with each other, and it was easy to respond, to pontificate until either of them ran out of steam, found that he was dominating the conversation and so he would think of something to ask, something to say and wait. 

After they felt like they had introduced themselves they talked about house rules, obligations, and responsibilities.  Spencer was surprised that Josh would be up earlier than him because he worked the morning shift as a barista as well as a lunch shift at a restaurant across town.  He said he’d have to get used to the new bus routes but he’d survive.  They talked a little about their jobs until it felt complete.  They looked around at each other.

“Want to watch some television?” Spencer asked.

“Sure,” Josh said.

Ch 16 - No Promises

Walter beside him didn’t make Triston feel much safer as they pulled into the driveway of Walter’s parents’ home.  Walter was in the driver seat.  They looked to each other and smiled.  He remembered what Walter had said to him, ‘don’t worry my father isn’t going to kill you’.  Triston thought about their conversation, but now was the worst time to have regrets.  They had been sitting in the living room, casually drinking beer and watching television.

“I have a weird question to ask you,” Walter said.

“How weird?”

“It’s not sexual.  It’s about real life.”

“Okay,” Triston said.

“Well, my parents have seen posts of mine accidentally and they asked me about them.  They’re worried about me.  They asked if I was seeing anyone.”

“What did you tell them?”

“Well, I told them about you.  Nothing specific just, you know, we’re friends.”

“What does that mean?”

“It sounded good at the time but I don’t know.  It means you look out for me.  I didn’t want to tell them I was having sex or in a committed relationship but that I had someone.”

“Okay,” Triston said.  “I’m just your friend?”

“Well, they asked about you a couple times and said they wanted to meet you.”

“I’m not sure,” Triston said.

“Would you go with me to meet them?”

He wanted to say no but it felt as if the request had some force to it, a momentum or gravity that pulled him along.  He was curious about meeting the people who had raised such a precocious young man, confident and naive, brave and unprepared.  He expected them to be hippies, maybe nudists or college professors.  He didn’t expect to find what he did.
   
They were greeted at the front door by his parents.  They were both in their forties.  His father had a pot belly.  His mother wore a sweater.  They reminded Triston of other people’s parents when he was growing up.  They were polite, midwestern folk.  They made sense here in a town far enough away from the capitol.

They were ushered inside to the living room, directed to the couch where they sat.  His father went to the recliner and sat.  His mother smiled and offered drinks.  Triston wanted to order a double Scotch on the rocks but stopped himself.  He looked around at the interior decorations, only the furniture was new and it all had a very rural sensibility but he didn’t take the man or his wife to be rednecks or white trash. 

He looked to Walter’s mother who stood waiting despite having asked about drinks.  Walter’s father looked as if he were accessing a file for what he was about to say.  Triston knew it had been rehearsed, possibly between the two of them.  He readied himself for any potential embarrassing statement, any accusation.  Walter was nineteen, a good ten years younger than him.

“When our son told us about you we weren’t sure if we ever wanted to meet you.  We wanted to discourage him but he has a way of getting the things he wants.  We know there’s an age difference between the two of you.  We know our son pretty well.  He does dangerous things sometimes.  It’s the ADD.  We also know he has good intentions and is kind hearted.

“Looking at you, knowing that you came all the way out here not knowing us we appreciate your courage and your willingness.  We think it says a lot about you.  Our son here is a man, a young man, and though he’s out there living his own life we also feel responsible for him.  It may sound strange but we think of you kind of like his older mentor and maybe, just maybe, you feel some responsibility for him.  We hope you do.”

Triston stared at them.  He looked to Walter who sat unmoving.  For someone with ADD he had managed to stay calm through the whole speech.  He wanted to say many things.  He wanted to show them kindness.  He wanted to promise them things.  He wanted to clarify the relationship.  A mentor was far from the boyfriend role Triston had thought he had.  He wanted to say all those things but looking at the two of them he found a simpler thing to say.

“I’ll do the best I can.”

There, it was a way out, it meant he’d try but there were no promises.  Walter’s father smiled and relaxed in his seat.  His mother walked away to the kitchen.  Triston looked to Walter who smiled before reaching down into his sock and scratching at his ankle nervously. 

Ch 15 - Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Living together in the same apartment, sharing the same bed, was a serious commitment for Triston, Darrell, and Bobby.  No one made an advance, touched or grabbed unless it was expected and usually communicated before it was done.  They weren’t there for the sex.  They weren’t in a monogamous relationship, it was something else, a friendship.  They could talk all night long but they were also comfortable with awkward silences.  Each of them was in the bed for his own reason.

For Darrell it was sobriety, dependency, and preoccupation, the little annoyances and distractions that made him fill his day with something else.  It had gotten bad two years before he moved in with them.  He had his own apartment in that section of town that sounded like a bachelor’s neighborhood. 

Drinking on the weekends became drinking every night until he had a collection of bottles in the cupboards of his kitchen instead of dishes, along the counters, and windowsills.

Sometimes they had a utility by holding candles but afterwards, after he decided to detox, go to AA and quit, well they were a reminder.  He hated the sound they made, bottle against bottle, grinding as he carried them by the brown paper bag full, two or three in each hand to the dumpster where he set them to the side.  They were gone the next day, collected by one of the city’s many homeless, someone had hit the mother load.  He could smile about that minimal good that came from his habit, his indulgence, no his suffering.

When you drink for the good times is one thing but when you drink for silence that’s something else entirely different, he thought.  He had been a functional alcoholic, no one ever caught on to his self-abuse.  He’d sober up in the first few hours of work, drink a couple coffees until he felt ready for his afternoon meetings.  How could no one have known?

Maybe they didn’t want to know.  Or maybe, just maybe, people are more self-absorbed than he thought and no one could identify his problem, least of all his mother.  He didn’t tell her how bad it had gotten, just that he had decided to give it up and he was going to A.A.  She just smiled at him, hugged him.

But even sobriety was his new secret, especially why.  He didn’t want to relive those moments alone, sitting in the bathtub, on his back, and other impaired judgments including sex.  He had gotten lucky.  But he considered his best luck to be when he met Triston through a dating website. 

They had exchanged emails, IM messages, exchanged numbers, and gotten together for coffee.  It was over two black coffees that he confessed that he was looking for friends and not lovers.  Triston invited him to the apartment he already shared with Bobby.  The cabinets were bare, there were condiment packets in the refrigerator.

They talked for hours on the couch until Bobby came home, then they talked for another hour before he realized how late it had gotten.  When they invited him to stay the night he thought to refuse, to dismiss them and leave, but then he thought about his long walk home and his empty bed.

Sometimes, he reasoned, you can trust someone.  Triston was someone that if ever he felt a spiritual connection it would be with him.  Talking was easy.  He could imagine not talking to him for years, meeting up with him, and finding the same comfort.

That first night was awkward.  He worried about where his hands and feet ended up.  He worried about who was touching him and where.  There was just enough space between them.  He fantasized about cuddling together.  He wanted to hold someone.  Bobby was more his type but he thought Triston would have been the most open to it.  But he couldn’t bring himself to say anything that first night.

It came out over breakfast when they recognized he didn’t seem to have slept well.  Triston forced the conversation because he said he was worried about Darrell not returning.  It was one of those conversations no one wanted to have and yet it benefited everyone.  It was cathartic.

After that conversation he couldn’t imagine spending another night alone and he didn’t want either of them to leave.

Ch 14 - Bring Unto Me

Three men in the bed during winter kept them warm all night long.  But it was the morning when it felt too good for any of them to want to get out of bed.  They were usually up by 6:30 in the morning, but even if they had to get up to use the bathroom each of them returned to the bed and got back under the covers.

On Saturday mornings if Spencer stayed over he ended up in bed with them sometimes, especially when it was cold.

Shoulder to shoulder the four of them stared up at the ceiling.

“Did you know Walter wears a diaper?” Darrell asked.

“Yeah,” Triston replied.  “We tried it out one night.  It was his idea.  He saw it online and wanted to see what it was like.”

“He wore it when he took me to my mother’s place to help her.  It was kind of weird.”

“How did you find out?” Bobby asked.

“By accident when he was filling the car tire with air.  It was right there peeking out at me.  I thought it was funny at first but then it started to worry me.”

“Did you say anything?”

“I had to say something, but I tried to be polite.  I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be weird for my mother.  He was really nice though, made it easy.  She liked him.”

“That’s good,” Triston said.  “That reminds me, he wants to have a birthday party here.”

“Birthday party?  What are we talking about?” Darrell asked.

“Two weeks from now, on a Friday, he wants to have a sleepover,” Triston said.

“Sleepover?  Like we’re twelve years old?” Darrell asked.

“Like we’re friends, male friends, all hanging out together.  There will be drinks and snacks.  He wants to have a marathon of some kind.  Either a television show or some movies, maybe horror movies.”

“Sounds kind of lame,” Spencer said.

“He doesn’t have any friends.  I thought it would be okay.  It’s a Friday night.”

“Just remind me,” Darrell said.

“I’ll probably be there,” Bobby said.

“Are we getting him presents?” Spencer asked.

“Something small, if it’s not too much,” Triston said.

“Maybe some more diapers?” Darrell asked.

Everyone fell silent at the question, at the dilemma.  Each of them had not known Walter very long.  He was likable but young, unpredictable.  There was a shift from person to person, a movement of a hand, a foot, but a like minded comfort.

“I got a new job,” Bobby said.

“What?  Where?” Spencer asked.

“The Unicorn, I’m going to be a stripper slash go-go boy,” Bobby said.

“It makes sense now,” Triston said.

“What’s that?” Bobby asked.

“Why you’ve been going to the gym more these last two weeks.  I thought it was your new boyfriend.  How is he?  Are you going to tell him?”

“No commitments,” Bobby said.  “I’m going to tell him, eventually, but there’s a lot of things he doesn’t know, like about us, this.”

“What’s wrong with this?” Spencer asked.

“A lot of people would be confused,” Darrell said.

“So, dancing around in your undies?  What made you interested?”

“I think it will be fun.  It’s a good way to make cash and I don’t plan to ever run for public office in my future.  Plus, I mean I have enough selfies online that are just as revealing.”

“Besides by then it will be no big deal.  Eventually we’ll have a female president who posted pictures online of herself doing bong hits and keg stands,” Darrell said.

“Exactly,” Bobby said.

Ch 13 - DL Isn't Just for Down Low

“Before we get on the road I want to make sure I got the right air in my tires,” Walter said.

“It’s your car,” Darrell said. 

He was trying to keep his cool about any small thing because his car was in for repairs and he needed to visit his mother.  Walter had not only offered to drive him but help him to move her furniture as well.

Walter pulled off the highway and drove to the nearest gas station where he pulled to the air pump.  Darrell watched him for a moment as he shifted to park, turned off the car, retrieved the pressure gauge from the glove compartment, got out, and began to check the air in the tires.  He decided he would get snacks and got out as well.  He walked to where Walter was crouched.

He watched as Walter worked the gauge skillfully before he stepped closer to ask him if he wanted any snacks when he spotted the young man’s shirt was riding up his back, his jeans were open, and he took the opportunity to see his underwear when he spotted something he wouldn’t have expected.  He spotted the puffy, shiny band of a diaper.

Darrell was shocked by what he saw but also amused.  He had never heard about Walter having any bowel problems, no this was something else.  He wanted to laugh out loud, wanted to say something, make a comment, but he stopped himself.  He decided to ask what Walter wanted from the store instead.

“Nothing thanks,” Walter said.

Darrell turned and walked away to the store.  He made his way inside and to the back where he laughed to himself.  But as funny as it was he was having second thoughts about taking the young man to his mother’s home.  What if he did something weird?  What would she think of him?  How could he explain he knew Walter without being his friend or worse, his lover?

As much as he worried about being there with Walter he worried more about his mother being upset about him not visiting after he had to miss the previous weekends because of work and being hungover.  No, he had to go, but maybe he could make some rules with Walter or make a deal with him.

Darrell made his way to the clerk where he paid for his items, then back out into the sun and to where Walter leaned back against his car.  It wasn’t obvious from the look of his jeans that Walter was wearing anything but he knew, had seen them, and he couldn’t help but think about them.  He thought about the road trip and the woman who wore diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop while driving across country to kill someone.

Walter got inside the car and for a moment Darrell thought he heard the squish of the diaper.  He looked to the young man who looked back at him.

“What?” Walter asked.

Darrell took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to say anything.  I mean I don’t usually care what people do but we’re going to see my mother.”

Walter stared at him as Darrell gathered his courage.

“Are you wearing a diaper?”

Walter’s face turned red and he looked away. 

“Why are you wearing a diaper?”

Walter shrugged his shoulders.

“Why are you wearing a diaper today?”

“I like them.  Okay?” Walter said.
   
“I’m trying not to judge you.  Why today?  Why now?  You’re driving me to my mother’s to help me move furniture.”
   
“I don’t know.  I just felt nervous and they make me feel better.”
   
Darrell regretted the next thought that came to his mind but he figured he would be in the car with Walter for an hour each way, plus any time they spent together at the house moving furniture. 

“You’re not going to shit yourself are you?”

Darrell felt as shocked at his own question as he could tell Walter looked.  He wanted to take it back.  He wanted to excuse himself, apologize, and yet there was some reality to dealing with a situation.  Walter was young, impulsive and he didn’t know him very well.  Darrell felt worse when he saw Walter’s body get tense as if he were about to cry.

“I’m sorry,” Walter said.

“What?”

“I fucked up.  I’m sorry.  I just, I don’t know, got used to them.  I can take it off.”

Walter looked to Darrell and Darrell looked away, he suddenly felt worse.