Ch 21 - Josh and Spencer Sitting in a Tree

The patio of the coffee shop was empty so Chad and Spencer could choose any place they wanted but ended up looking at each other a little confused as they waited for the other to make the first move.  Finally Spencer took the initiative and lead the way to the back area hoping that if other people arrived they’d take seats far away to keep some space and privacy.

Spencer felt strange being out with his straight friend in such a casual way.  Would people confuse them for a couple?  Would they suspect Chad was gay?  Spencer thought of a few people, like his ex-boyfriend, who he’d like to see him with Chad, his broad shoulders and chest, narrow waist.

They worked themselves into the chairs at the table and pulled the lids off their drinks.  It was Saturday and they were both skipping going to the gym.

“Still having problems at work?” Spencer asked.

“Work is going okay, it’s not what I expected after three years.  The guys are kind of harsh and some of them really like to try and get under your skin.  There’s one guy who keeps calling me fire crotch.  He points at me in the showers.  It’s kind of ridiculous.”

“Aw, he has a crush on you,” Spencer said.

Chad rolled his eyes.

“If only, at least then I’d know how to deal with that.”

“What?  How do you deal with that?”

“Tease him a little, make him desperate, and tell him only if he behaves himself.”

“Now you’re fucking with me,” Spencer said.

“Of course I am.  But it’s really annoying.  The other day I caught myself making a fist.  It ruined the first hour of my shift.”

“And nobody wants an angry cop,” Spencer said.

“What’s new with you?” Chad asked.

“Not much, I’ve got a new roommate now.  It’s only temporary I think.  He’s getting out of an abusive relationship,” Spencer said.

“Gay or straight?” Chad asked.

“Gay,” Spencer said, “they were together for nearly two years.  I guess it started just after they started living together... you don’t want to hear this.”

“Tell me,” Chad said.  “I didn’t think that kind of stuff happened.  It’s not really talked about.”

“Just the usual stuff, small at first and now, he said he just hates going home.  He’d rather be at work.”

“That’s pretty crazy.  Is he a nice guy?”

“Yeah, he’s great.  We had some problems at first but we worked them out.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.  This is weird talking to you.”

“We’re friends,” Chad said.

“I think I’m developing a crush on him.  He’s cute and all but there’s something else.  He’s funny, he cooks, and he’s younger and he’s so much fun.”

“He has fun because he’s young,” Chad said.

“Maybe, I don’t know.  He’s just a fun guy.  My last boyfriend was a drag.  I mean he could be fun but he was moody, temperamental.  With Josh it’s different.  And just being around him all of the time it’s like I can smell him now in my apartment.”

“You want to have sex with him don’t you?” Chad asked.

“Yeah, but it’s not like that, I mean it would be wrong.  I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him on the rebound like that.”

“Maybe you could be what he needs,” Chad said.  “At least he got out.  I hate being called back to the same houses for the same reasons.  I’ve never been called to a gay domestic abuse case though, it’s not something I would want to do.”

“But what would it be like to date him knowing his past?”

“Everyone has a past,” Chad said.

“True,” Spencer said.

“Is he seeing a therapist or going to a support group?”

“I don’t know,” Spencer replied.

“You should encourage him, support him emotionally so he can do it.  It helps.”

“You should be a counselor or something with all of this advice,” Spencer said.

“I just know my job.  I see how people are.  The ones who get help make it out.”

“What about you?  Are you going to get help?”

“What, you mean that asshole at work?  Getting human resources or the union involved in something like this... I’d be laughed out of my job.  I mean I’ve put up with lots of stuff from the guys and it usually wears off.  If you roll with it a little then it doesn’t seem as much fun anymore.”

Spencer looked to his latte and sighed.  Maybe people can’t see their own situations for what they are, he thought.  He looked to Chad who cracked his knuckles and scratched at his jaw as he looked around and out into the parking lot.  There was something there, something to be said, but he wasn’t sure he was the person to do it or what to say.

Ch 20 - Helping Josh Move

All six of them stood in the small lobby area of Josh’s former apartment building holding flattened moving boxes.  The place was clean and maintained but in a haphazard kind of way.  Old fixtures, hinges, and doors had been moved, removed, and replaced.  Josh checked his mailbox for any last mail that might have been sent to the address after he submitted the change of address form, there was always something.  He put Paul’s mail back in the box and locked it.

“I’m not sure we need this many people.  I don’t have that much,” Josh said.

“You’re my roommate now,” Spencer said.

“I said I’d help when you told me you had to move out,” Triston replied.

“And see I know that Spencer doesn’t lift anything heavier than his cell phone at the gym,” Darrell said.

“I was told we were going drinking,” Bobby said.

There was a pause.

“I didn’t have anything better to do.”

They looked to Walter.

“What?”

Josh coughed and stepped between the men to the stairs where he led them up three flights and down a hallway.

“See this is why we brought extra people,” Darrell said to Bobby who walked beside him running a finger along the wall.

Walter was the last.  He walked with one hand in the pocket of his hooded sweatshirt wary of getting too close to the banister that seemed too short, to bent to be of any good to a person.

Josh opened his apartment door slowly to be greeted by the wet nose of Paul’s dog but he knew the dog was friendly and ushered the guys inside to the living room where they stopped just a few inches away from each other.

Right there in the kitchen was Paul.  He was leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed, an intense and serious look on his face.  On the counter was a partially made sandwich with carrot and celery sticks on the side, an open beer beside the plate.

“Hello,” Paul said.

The men muttered a response but only Darrell and Triston looked to him directly.  Bobby found himself trying to politely ward the dog away from his crotch.  And Spencer tried to stop himself from grinding his teeth and making a fist with his hand.

“Hi Paul,” Josh said.

They looked across the space to each other but neither of them moved.  Finally Josh broke the stare and the silence.

“I don’t have much in the living room, my game system, all the games, and controllers.  I don’t have anything in the kitchen but I should take you into my room.  It’s where I kept all my stuff from my first apartment.”

He led them down the hall to his bedroom door.  He opened it to a stale, cold feeling of a room that had not been used in weeks.  They peeked inside to see they had plenty of work to do.  There was a bed on it’s side with a frame nearby, bookshelves full of movies, books, and CD’s, exercise equipment and a collection of small weights, poster tubes, a tall black dresser, and a small collection of dry cleaned shirts in the closet.

“If you guys want to start on this,” Josh said.

“I’ll get the video game stuff,” Walter said.

“I’ll help him,” Bobby said.

“And I need to get a few things from Paul’s room,” Josh said.

He stepped away from them to the other door and opened it.  There was a familiar sound and the smell of vanilla incense.  He looked to the empty and made bed with tight corners and no lines.  He thought of the times they spent watching television and cuddling in the early morning before work.  He thought about his first morning there and how they felt like adventurers when they raided the refrigerator and had a picnic on the bed.

“Are you okay?” Triston asked.

Josh looked to him and winced.  Triston looked back down the hall, worried that Paul would try to join them, maybe ingratiate himself somehow, or worse start complaining about possession and moving out.

“Need a hug?”

They hugged each other.

In Josh’s former bedroom Darrell worked like a machine to load the DVD’s and books into separate boxes.  He had moved many times in his life and felt that there was a way to do it so nothing got broken.

Spencer had assembled two boxes and opened a dresser drawer to find a collection of underwear.  He looked them over.  There was nothing racy but many of them were old, mostly briefs, a few boxers, straps of a jock.  He felt himself redden just at the sight of them.  He looked to Darrell who was occupied and back inside the drawer.  The waistband on the underwear was small, smaller than his own and he had always been proud of his 34 inch waist.  He shook all thought away, cleared his throat and shoveled them one handful at a time into the box before he moved on to the next drawer.

It wasn’t long before Darrell and Spencer had stacked boxes, Bobby and Walter had collected all the video game items in boxes by the door, and Josh emptied his few drawers in Paul’s room, took down his necklace from the mirror, and double checked the bathroom.  They moved the mattress first.

After they had finished in the living room Paul went in there with his dog to sit and eat.  He was methodical and they were quick.

Finally the last of the boxes were being carried downstairs.  Josh and Triston stood by the front door of the apartment mentally double checking everything.  Triston knew that normally in situations like this the most commonly forgotten things were identification documents but they had already talked it over and Josh’s documents were safely locked in a safety deposit box at a bank.

“Well,” Josh said.


“Well,” Triston replied.

Josh stepped to the archway and looked into the living room.  He wanted to pet the dog.  He wanted to hug and kiss Paul but he knew it was over.  It felt as if the weeks apart had allowed him to form a thin shell around his skin that could break if they touched.

“I’m leaving,” Josh said.

Paul got to his feet and walked to the two men.  He put his hands on his hips.

“Goodbye,” he said.

Ch 19 - Hating Home

Dinner was easy even if they didn’t talk much.  They felt comfortable with each other not saying anything.  They had a few drinks with the meal, walked home, and saw the vodka still on the coffee table so Spencer invited him for a drink.

“I shouldn’t but I really want to,” Josh said.

“A small one,” Spencer said.

They went into the living room and sat.  Spencer poured a drink for each of them, Josh’s first then his own, set down the bottle and picked up his glass.  They clinked them together before touching the glass to their lips.  Josh downed his in gulp and Spencer sipped a little, set it down.

“One thing,” Spencer said.

“What?”

“It’s not for shots.  This is sipping.  It’s top shelf.”

“Really?” Josh asked.

“Here try another one but drink it more slowly this time,” Spencer said.

Spencer poured him another drink and Josh raised it again, they clinked glasses, but this time Josh sipped at the vodka.

“That’s pretty good,” Josh said.

“Thanks,” Spencer said.

“My boyfriend, Paul, likes this kind of stuff.  God, I guess I shouldn’t be calling him my boyfriend, although it’s not official.”

“You moved out,” Spencer said.

“I guess,” Josh said.

“Did you say anything to him?”

“I left him a note,” Josh said.  “It was tough.  We’ve been together over two years.”

Spencer didn’t say anything.  He wanted to say the relationship was over when his boyfriend hit him.  He wanted to say it was over when he moved out.  He wanted to say it was dead and couldn’t be repaired.  He sat back against the sofa, his glass on his thigh he let himself relax.

Josh set his glass on the coffee table and began to run his finger along the lip of the glass.

“I didn’t want to do it.  I feel bad.  I feel like I should have said something but I also kind of feel like both of us knew it was over.  It’s tearing me apart but I shouldn’t hate to go home,” he said.

“You don’t have to,” Spencer said.

It’s easy, he thought, you can be anything you want to be, go anywhere you want to go, and all those lies we tell each other but really a person’s life is small, their group of friends is small, their family... did he have a family?  Were they for him after he came out?

“He’s not a bad guy.  It’s as much my fault as it is his.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because it’s dumb but we’d challenge each other, say stupid things, and you know how there’s some things you know you shouldn’t say but you do it anyways.  I’ve done it.  I’ve said those stupid things.”

“But did you attack him?  Did you actually start the violence?”

Josh clenched his jaw at the thought, at the insinuation.  They had wrestled, struggled, but no he had never hit Paul first, but he did set him off sometimes.  And at first it had been just some small accident but each time the boundary got thinner.  It was some mixture of discipline and humiliation.

“I didn’t start it.  Sometimes I’d hit him back, at first anyway, but then even that got out of control.  I knew he’d win.  I knew he had it in him.  I always restrained myself.”

He thought about when he’d hit Paul back and Paul would return with more force, more intensity.  He thought about the look in the man’s eyes.  He felt like crying but stopped himself.  He didn’t want to show weakness over the man, not here, and not now.

“Hey Josh, you don’t have to go anywhere.  You don’t have to go back.  The pot was a little thing, I’m just glad you’re safe.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but you still owe me one, brand new, no thrift store one with scratches in it.”

Josh let out a nervous laugh.  He downed his drink and set the glass down.  He felt tired and drunk.  He sat back against the sofa.

“I should get up and go finish my workout,” Josh said.

“Why don’t you stay here and watch some television?” Spencer asked.

“That sounds so much better,” Josh said.  He kicked off his shoes and put his socked feet on the coffee table next to the bottle.

Spencer looked to the socked feet.  It was a minor annoyance.  He’d say something later.  He downed his drink, put the glass on the table, and picked up the remote.  He turned on the television and they were both illuminated by the images there.  He looked to Josh.  There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to do. 

Was he a wounded puppy?  Was he being too protective?  What was it like to be in a relationship with someone with that kind of past?  But his thoughts were silenced by the alcohol and the sound of the television as he looked up to the screen.