Ch 22 - One of Many

Just hearing the name of the group caused Josh to tense up, LGBT Survivors of Domestic Abuse.  It meant, it defined, some part of his life that he wanted to avoid.  He didn’t want to feel anything about that.  He wanted it to be over.  His body healed.  He had moved out.  He was starting over.  And yet it ran through him deep like a sword had been cut down through his body, seeing the sign made him feel from his brain down to his gut.  If he went inside he would be... it would define...

He wanted to run away.  He wanted to find comfort some other place and yet he stopped himself because of his friend, his roommate, who was standing only a few feet away ready to go into his own meeting, LGBT Partners of Survivors of Domestic Abuse.  Even though he wasn’t actually his partner, he had volunteered to go.

They would part ways, listen, maybe even talk, and then it would be over and they could walk away together, go out to dinner, but most likely go home.  God he wanted to go home.  They had taken to marathons of Queer as Folk and eating ice cream just about every other weekday evening.  It had become some bonding time and it was nice to be with another man, intimate but not sexual or physical, just to have someone there.

He took a deep breath, wiped his hands on his jeans, and entered the room.  Simon watched him as if he were sending a child off to school before he went to his own door, his own room where he thought about the lies he might have to tell, but it wasn’t difficult imagining being in a relationship with Josh.  Sometimes he imagined going on vacation, sometimes being in bed in the morning.

Josh found a chair in the circle where people had already begun to sit.  Some talked to each other, some got coffee or a cup of water.  He thought get himself something to drink but his feet wouldn’t move.  They were stuck to the floor, his knees were locked, so he let himself be as everyone else found their place and then the group leader began.  He zoned out as the man began to talk, introduction, expectation, group dynamics, retraumatization, and PTSD.  He logged everything somewhere in his brain for use later until the circle was opened for discussion.

He shifted on his seat.  He put his hands in his pockets.  And he waited.  It wasn’t long for someone to speak up but as soon as the person started talking he felt unable to concentrate.  His courage left him and he was struggling to breath.  He closed his eyes.  He was in a room with people and it felt like his skin was being ripped away.  He felt vulnerable and raw.  If someone touched him he thought he was going to cry, at least flinch and run away.  He wanted to leave but their judgement stopped him.  He inhaled deeply and held it. 

Release, then do it again, he told himself.  Eventually he felt himself relaxing.  His heart slowed, his pulse slowed, one after the other until he could open his eyes and look around at the other people, most of whom avoided eye contact, only a few smiled back at him.  He felt relaxed as he thought of Simon in the other room probably going through the same thing.  He thought about being with Simon afterwards and sharing. 

Just like that he felt better and he slipped his hands from his pockets and laid them on his thighs.  Time slowed as more people spoke.  It wasn’t boring.  It was significant.  They shared their thoughts and feelings.  They shared their stories.  And just when he thought about speaking and introducing himself it was over. 

The group leader announced the end of the meeting.  Everyone began to move their chair to the wall and he did the same but after he had placed it there he moved to avoid anyone else until he was in the hallway and then he was looking for Simon who was emerging from his own room.  They moved to each other.

“Hey, are you okay?” Simon asked.

“Fine,” Josh said.  “Why?”


“You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Simon said.

“Really?  No, I feel okay.  Really, I do.  I’m fine.”

“Did you want to go out or go home?”

“Go home,” Josh said.

“I’ll order when we’re close.  I’m starved.  How about you?”

“Desperately,” Josh said.

The drive back was easy.  Simon parked in his usual spot and they walked back to his apartment without speaking.  Inside Josh spotted the clock on the wall.  It had only been an hour and half of his time and yet it felt like something else.  He laughed to himself and shook his head. 

How could something so brief feel so immense when he didn't really do anything?

Ch 21 - Josh and Spencer Sitting in a Tree

The patio of the coffee shop was empty so Chad and Spencer could choose any place they wanted but ended up looking at each other a little confused as they waited for the other to make the first move.  Finally Spencer took the initiative and lead the way to the back area hoping that if other people arrived they’d take seats far away to keep some space and privacy.

Spencer felt strange being out with his straight friend in such a casual way.  Would people confuse them for a couple?  Would they suspect Chad was gay?  Spencer thought of a few people, like his ex-boyfriend, who he’d like to see him with Chad, his broad shoulders and chest, narrow waist.

They worked themselves into the chairs at the table and pulled the lids off their drinks.  It was Saturday and they were both skipping going to the gym.

“Still having problems at work?” Spencer asked.

“Work is going okay, it’s not what I expected after three years.  The guys are kind of harsh and some of them really like to try and get under your skin.  There’s one guy who keeps calling me fire crotch.  He points at me in the showers.  It’s kind of ridiculous.”

“Aw, he has a crush on you,” Spencer said.

Chad rolled his eyes.

“If only, at least then I’d know how to deal with that.”

“What?  How do you deal with that?”

“Tease him a little, make him desperate, and tell him only if he behaves himself.”

“Now you’re fucking with me,” Spencer said.

“Of course I am.  But it’s really annoying.  The other day I caught myself making a fist.  It ruined the first hour of my shift.”

“And nobody wants an angry cop,” Spencer said.

“What’s new with you?” Chad asked.

“Not much, I’ve got a new roommate now.  It’s only temporary I think.  He’s getting out of an abusive relationship,” Spencer said.

“Gay or straight?” Chad asked.

“Gay,” Spencer said, “they were together for nearly two years.  I guess it started just after they started living together... you don’t want to hear this.”

“Tell me,” Chad said.  “I didn’t think that kind of stuff happened.  It’s not really talked about.”

“Just the usual stuff, small at first and now, he said he just hates going home.  He’d rather be at work.”

“That’s pretty crazy.  Is he a nice guy?”

“Yeah, he’s great.  We had some problems at first but we worked them out.”

“What?”

“I don’t know.  This is weird talking to you.”

“We’re friends,” Chad said.

“I think I’m developing a crush on him.  He’s cute and all but there’s something else.  He’s funny, he cooks, and he’s younger and he’s so much fun.”

“He has fun because he’s young,” Chad said.

“Maybe, I don’t know.  He’s just a fun guy.  My last boyfriend was a drag.  I mean he could be fun but he was moody, temperamental.  With Josh it’s different.  And just being around him all of the time it’s like I can smell him now in my apartment.”

“You want to have sex with him don’t you?” Chad asked.

“Yeah, but it’s not like that, I mean it would be wrong.  I feel like I’d be taking advantage of him on the rebound like that.”

“Maybe you could be what he needs,” Chad said.  “At least he got out.  I hate being called back to the same houses for the same reasons.  I’ve never been called to a gay domestic abuse case though, it’s not something I would want to do.”

“But what would it be like to date him knowing his past?”

“Everyone has a past,” Chad said.

“True,” Spencer said.

“Is he seeing a therapist or going to a support group?”

“I don’t know,” Spencer replied.

“You should encourage him, support him emotionally so he can do it.  It helps.”

“You should be a counselor or something with all of this advice,” Spencer said.

“I just know my job.  I see how people are.  The ones who get help make it out.”

“What about you?  Are you going to get help?”

“What, you mean that asshole at work?  Getting human resources or the union involved in something like this... I’d be laughed out of my job.  I mean I’ve put up with lots of stuff from the guys and it usually wears off.  If you roll with it a little then it doesn’t seem as much fun anymore.”

Spencer looked to his latte and sighed.  Maybe people can’t see their own situations for what they are, he thought.  He looked to Chad who cracked his knuckles and scratched at his jaw as he looked around and out into the parking lot.  There was something there, something to be said, but he wasn’t sure he was the person to do it or what to say.

Ch 20 - Helping Josh Move

All six of them stood in the small lobby area of Josh’s former apartment building holding flattened moving boxes.  The place was clean and maintained but in a haphazard kind of way.  Old fixtures, hinges, and doors had been moved, removed, and replaced.  Josh checked his mailbox for any last mail that might have been sent to the address after he submitted the change of address form, there was always something.  He put Paul’s mail back in the box and locked it.

“I’m not sure we need this many people.  I don’t have that much,” Josh said.

“You’re my roommate now,” Spencer said.

“I said I’d help when you told me you had to move out,” Triston replied.

“And see I know that Spencer doesn’t lift anything heavier than his cell phone at the gym,” Darrell said.

“I was told we were going drinking,” Bobby said.

There was a pause.

“I didn’t have anything better to do.”

They looked to Walter.

“What?”

Josh coughed and stepped between the men to the stairs where he led them up three flights and down a hallway.

“See this is why we brought extra people,” Darrell said to Bobby who walked beside him running a finger along the wall.

Walter was the last.  He walked with one hand in the pocket of his hooded sweatshirt wary of getting too close to the banister that seemed too short, to bent to be of any good to a person.

Josh opened his apartment door slowly to be greeted by the wet nose of Paul’s dog but he knew the dog was friendly and ushered the guys inside to the living room where they stopped just a few inches away from each other.

Right there in the kitchen was Paul.  He was leaned back against the counter with his arms crossed, an intense and serious look on his face.  On the counter was a partially made sandwich with carrot and celery sticks on the side, an open beer beside the plate.

“Hello,” Paul said.

The men muttered a response but only Darrell and Triston looked to him directly.  Bobby found himself trying to politely ward the dog away from his crotch.  And Spencer tried to stop himself from grinding his teeth and making a fist with his hand.

“Hi Paul,” Josh said.

They looked across the space to each other but neither of them moved.  Finally Josh broke the stare and the silence.

“I don’t have much in the living room, my game system, all the games, and controllers.  I don’t have anything in the kitchen but I should take you into my room.  It’s where I kept all my stuff from my first apartment.”

He led them down the hall to his bedroom door.  He opened it to a stale, cold feeling of a room that had not been used in weeks.  They peeked inside to see they had plenty of work to do.  There was a bed on it’s side with a frame nearby, bookshelves full of movies, books, and CD’s, exercise equipment and a collection of small weights, poster tubes, a tall black dresser, and a small collection of dry cleaned shirts in the closet.

“If you guys want to start on this,” Josh said.

“I’ll get the video game stuff,” Walter said.

“I’ll help him,” Bobby said.

“And I need to get a few things from Paul’s room,” Josh said.

He stepped away from them to the other door and opened it.  There was a familiar sound and the smell of vanilla incense.  He looked to the empty and made bed with tight corners and no lines.  He thought of the times they spent watching television and cuddling in the early morning before work.  He thought about his first morning there and how they felt like adventurers when they raided the refrigerator and had a picnic on the bed.

“Are you okay?” Triston asked.

Josh looked to him and winced.  Triston looked back down the hall, worried that Paul would try to join them, maybe ingratiate himself somehow, or worse start complaining about possession and moving out.

“Need a hug?”

They hugged each other.

In Josh’s former bedroom Darrell worked like a machine to load the DVD’s and books into separate boxes.  He had moved many times in his life and felt that there was a way to do it so nothing got broken.

Spencer had assembled two boxes and opened a dresser drawer to find a collection of underwear.  He looked them over.  There was nothing racy but many of them were old, mostly briefs, a few boxers, straps of a jock.  He felt himself redden just at the sight of them.  He looked to Darrell who was occupied and back inside the drawer.  The waistband on the underwear was small, smaller than his own and he had always been proud of his 34 inch waist.  He shook all thought away, cleared his throat and shoveled them one handful at a time into the box before he moved on to the next drawer.

It wasn’t long before Darrell and Spencer had stacked boxes, Bobby and Walter had collected all the video game items in boxes by the door, and Josh emptied his few drawers in Paul’s room, took down his necklace from the mirror, and double checked the bathroom.  They moved the mattress first.

After they had finished in the living room Paul went in there with his dog to sit and eat.  He was methodical and they were quick.

Finally the last of the boxes were being carried downstairs.  Josh and Triston stood by the front door of the apartment mentally double checking everything.  Triston knew that normally in situations like this the most commonly forgotten things were identification documents but they had already talked it over and Josh’s documents were safely locked in a safety deposit box at a bank.

“Well,” Josh said.


“Well,” Triston replied.

Josh stepped to the archway and looked into the living room.  He wanted to pet the dog.  He wanted to hug and kiss Paul but he knew it was over.  It felt as if the weeks apart had allowed him to form a thin shell around his skin that could break if they touched.

“I’m leaving,” Josh said.

Paul got to his feet and walked to the two men.  He put his hands on his hips.

“Goodbye,” he said.